Joy and Pain

I was listening to Dear Younger Me, by Mercy Me. It got stuck on my phone and wouldn't advance so figured God was wanting me to pay attention. What caught my attention... " If I had known then, what I know now, the condemnation would have had no power My Joy my Pain would have never been my worth." What caught my attention was the word Joy. Or lack thereof. I had a friend who constantly said when she got something she wanted, "I'm so blessed." I had to grit my teeth. Christians are taught to do that. We think giving "glory to God" is pleasing to him. Here's my perspective. So the person struggling with depression..or the mother who lost a child...or the kid struggling at school...they aren't blessed? So what are they? Cursed? Is God mad at them? Ignoring them? Teaching them a lesson? I think Christians have just found a way to sanction their bragging, by giving him credit. Thank God in your closet. Make it a sweet moment between the two of you, instead of an occasion to make your neighbor wonder why God isn't blessing them. But I digress....how are we defined by joy? I understood being defined by pain. I'm familiar. But joy? Who wouldn't want to be defined by that?? I realized that's even worse....if we are defined by our levels of joy, what does it say when it's absent? What is wrong with the Christian who is not living in joy? It's an expectation that has landed on believers like flies on...well, you know what. When, oh when, will christians stop being fake? Let me see the day Lord. You know what? Life is hard. For everyone. Christians aren't magically protected. He never promised we would be. You can find scriptures and take them out of context and make them say that. But it's not true. He will be with you, and won't leave you. That you can count on. So lets reframe that. (Outside of consequences of stupid behavior) I can and might get cancer or some other life altering event that causes pain, or hardship or even death. It doesn't mean I'm not blessed. It doesn't mean God is trying to teach me something, or I'm cursed. It's not a spiritual attack. It's because I live in a broken world, full of sin and disease, that is slowly passing away. This isn't what God originally planned, or what he has prepared for us in the future. But it's right now. And if the worst happens, he will not leave me or forsake me. He will go through with me. Even to the end. He will not heal me if I find the right key, the right words, enough faith, enough prayers, the right prayers, a complete lack of doubt. He heals, so I ask. But it's not a statement of my spiritual health if it doesn't happen. Faith, is in a person, not outcomes. If my faith is in outcomes, it's not faith in God. My trust needs to be in Him and his love alone. I'm preaching to myself. Sometimes these things swirl around in my head, and writing them down helps me write them on my heart where I can cling to them in real life. I so don't want to teach anymore, but simply share my life, and listen to how God does it in others.

Existential Do Over

I've decided to have a do-over instead of a crisis. Or I guess, technically, I've already had the crisis. Or am in it. I don't know. Don't care. And I think some reframing is necessary. Western Christianity looks a lot like the Deuteronomy of ancient Judaism at times. Do good, get good, do bad get bad. But I see God trying to reframe how we view scripture. Don't freak out. Just think. Most Christians I know, view the New Testament through the lens of the old. They frame it through the ancient traditions and beliefs that Jesus died to change. They believe it's foundation is Judaism. The Foundation is a person. Not a religion. The Apostles and Paul himself, the Pharisee of Pharisee's did not live as observant Jews after meeting Jesus. In fact Paul called Peter on his crap when he was caught acting all Jewish with the Jews. I get that fear of disapproval. It's hard to fight, when it means people will write you off, talk bad about you, reject you. And we're talking men who lived with Jesus, while we're having to do it by faith. So if it was hard for them, why should I be ashamed? It simply speaks to the shaming, fear based principals used in religion to keep people in line and assimulating into a rigid belief system. I remember being afraid to be free...afraid nothing would censor my behavior. I would sin without care. Listen, love is a way better motivator than fear. The more I understand how loved I am...the less appeal sin has. I make mistakes. But I'm not looking for what I can get away with, or the loophole in the contract. And with love at my back, I can allow myself to make mistakes without condemnation. Wow...does that make life easier and better. So lets, for experiemental purposes reframe the Old Testament, and look at that through the lens of the New Testament. How would that influence your thought? How would it reframe your understanding of what your reading? This is how it has reframed my understanding. The Old Testament, while important, should be read primarily as a story, showing the arc of how God is interacting and loving humanity. He is often misunderstood by ancient cultures. He is patient with them, moving them along this arc in ways they are able to understand. They consistently ritualize their interaction with Him, instead of the personal relationship he wants to have, preferring intermediary's rather than being in too close proximity. Sound familiar? Sunday morning ritual, preachers telling you what he wants, who to serve, what to think. Will we ever learn? Fear, is what keeps them from him. Fear, is what kept Adam and Eve from running to him, after sinning, and hiding instead. Even David, in his love, creates a system, an elaborate one to somehow show God his love and honor him. To show his worth in the world. We somehow think God honored all these things. That it was what he wanted. And yet, no temple stands. I was in Jerusalem at the wailing wall once. I got my turn, and put a prayer in the cracks, something I regret participating in now, and my pack touched the wall. An old woman, angrily wiped off my touch, and kissed her hands. I wasn't offended. I understood her religious idea. But it's stone. It's not "holy". But they still want what they want. God to sanction them as HIS people, casting his approval, and theirfore blessing, and to have his power available again as it once was. Jesus wept over that city. And as he said...not one stone of that temple was left. It doesn't matter...they just chose what's left standing, the Western Wall, that was closest to the temple. Stubbornly clinging to their own understanding. Lets not do that. Lets not cling to what we know out of fear. Or because we want what we want.

The Pearl

I've been processing my life the last couple years. It's not been fun. I don't know if this is what mid life crisis feels like, but disillusionment and regret sum it up. I remember writing, "..why couldn't I be satisfied like everyone else, with going to church a couple times a week, serving there and going home and having a life. Why did I HAVE to KNOW God...not just be content to be with him.." I was driving a couple weeks ago and heard that familiar gentle if pithy voice. "So, you said you wanted to know me, no matter the cost, and now your mad because it cost you everything?" I'm so dull, many times I have entire conversations with him and don't realize it till it's over. But I was aware of what was happening. I was tempted to feel the old shame, and immediately knew that was not what he wanted, and indeed think he simply lifted it off. He wanted to process. Shame shuts that down. Which is why it's such an ineffective tool for behavioral change. So I decided to sit with him in that question. I do remember desperately wanting to know him. I'd been in church for 20-30 years total, and still didn't feel like I really KNEW him. I served him....constantly. I desperately wanted his attention and love and I wanted to love him more than anything. I thought giving up everything and serving him would be the path to the life I wanted. A deeply connected relationship with him. Fast forward and here I am at 60, horribly depressed about my life, though curiously at peace with God. How does that work?? Of course, 2 weeks down that road I'm still processing the question, but part of it has to do with approaching retirement age with what appears to be maybe some hardship. We were never really fully funded for mission work, so we weren't like professional missionaries fully funded and supported through a denomination. So we lost some retirement, but that's mostly been made up the last 5 years, but having to start over with a house payment, is hard. Most people have their home paid for, so they can live on fixed income a little easier. I never worked anywhere that gave retirement. I spend many years at home raising my kids, then owned my own business for 12 years before leaving for missions. It all suddenly seemed so foolish. Stupid. I never had the thought we would ever come home and live normal lives again. But here we are. Looking at a retirement that may be severly restricted, at least according to most of our age groups standards. No world travel....no yearly vacations possibly. No dreams left. That's the worst. And there are things I can't share here....hard things that drag my soul down and create misery. So I thought what was it all for? Did I only do it because I thought I would get blessed? Who knows...our hearts are such a mixture. All I can do is invite him into whatever sin, pain or shame I find. But I had to answer the question. Was I mad, because finding him cost me everything? No. I'm mad about a whole lot of things...but ultimately I got what I wanted. Him. It was always him. And there are depths to be plumbed I will never find in this lifetime. But I found the real Jesus. Not the Jesus of my parents...of any man's filter...of western Christianity, or Evangelical Christianity, of any religous filter....I found the man. And a Father whose heart was not rage, but love. I got the Pearl. It was worth selling all I had. Even if I have to sit in the consequences of buying it. So edit out that regret. I also realize, the way humans tend to frame life. Feels good, it's good. Feels bad it's bad. Not true. Maybe that's what midlife crisis is really about. Reframing your life. Figuring out what works, what doesn't. Being with those who love you, not convincing those who don't. Relaxing into the love of the Creator, instead of jumping through religous hoops to perform for him. It's a time of grace.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s letter from the Birmingham City Jail - 1963

Worth the read and the least you can do today, to honor the injustice, and his Godly fight to secure what most Americans already enjoy as a right and privilege. http://okra.stanford.edu/transcription/document_images/undecided/630416-019.pdf

We The Kingdom - Dancing On The Waves (Acoustic)

If the light in you is darkness...

It takes courage to ask God that question, and listen. And it's a question we should ask often. We are all susceptible to deception and delusion, even the oldest and wisest among us. I have pondered that scripture off and on for many years. It draws me....I grasp something that then slips away. It's something that is coming clearer only in the context of my past. And perhaps that makes sense. It's hard to see in the dark. But the more light I get...the more I see. Jesus did a lot of teaching in the beginning with the disciples saying, you've heard this said, but it's really this way... That's kind of how it looks to me now. I thought it was this way, now it's that way. However, it's not always a 180* turn. Black and white. Scripture is taken out of context and twisted to varying degree's. That's what makes it so subtle I think. But draw two path lines, and just put the second 1-2 degrees off, and down the road the gap keeps widening until eventually, your no longer in the vicinity of truth. I'm not talking perfection. That's a corruption of the idea of Holiness. I'm talking relationship. Listening...asking...adjusting. I'm learning to stop looking for priniciples and absolutes to live by, and live inside this loving living relationship with my Creator,so my path is straightened at times when it gets crooked. So I may stumble, I may wander away a bit, but he keeps bringing me back, because I'm open to Him showing me how I have misunderstood...maybe how I am completely wrong. Deepening my understanding of his nature, his character, his love for the world. It doesn't look like the Christianity I have been taught for the 60 years of my life. And if you want to say I'm rebellious or falling away, then examine my life if you want. See if I am using my freedom for selfishness, to indulge my sinful nature. Or am I using it to love others, and live generously in the world. By their fruit you shall know them. It's really not that hard to discern, if you can drop the idea of being "right". It's hard. I get it. I thought I knew a lot too. Turns out I didn't. But I have a drop of something real now. A pearl. It's worth everything, the loss of everything I thought I had. Today, I'm asking the Lord again....where is the light in me in darkness? I love that I don't fear that question or the answer anymore. I won't feel bad when it comes. It will be the place to invite him to bring light and expell that darkness. There is a wave of delusion today. Its making brothers and sisters feel they are being faithful to God by adhering to a conservative political agenda at any cost, even the values they hold dear. Like, do not murder. Jesus warned the Pharisee's they were the children of the devil, because they wanted to carry out his desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, because their was no truth in him. I'm not asking you to believe me. I'm sharing what I've experienced. Might be a good idea to ask...all I'm saying. Take heed therefore that the light which is in you be not darkness.

Freedom

It's interesting what people think constitutes freedom. Feeling entitled to demand one's rights to the point of destruction of public property and harming people...freedom? Really? I think of Paul sitting in prison, in chains. Utterly Free. I keep saying that Christian's are getting their politics mixed up with their religion. How did a portion of the church, ever come to the conclusion it has the last 4 years. Or the charismatic's belief that he is a prophetic "Cyrus", an ungodly leader set in place by God to accomplish his purpose. If anything has probably crippled Trump more, it will have been being told God sovereignly chose him to be there, and anyone challenging that is kicking God in the shins. His ego, did not need that, especially before learning humility and love. His spiritual advisor has the most responsibility in that department. It's ok to want conservative policy's. I'm still there. I can look at Trump's activity and see where he did some things right, which everyone I have tried to dialogue with has absolutely refused to even contemplate, one to the point of simply deleting an entire conversation from FB, rather than allow the thought and thread to continue of such a possibility. What are we afraid of? People will think he was nice? A good man? A good leader? I'm troubled by both extreme groups complete hatred, and need to demonize one another, to the point of dehumanizing each side, making each other undeserving of compassion, consideration. "If you only love those who love you, what reward will you get? Even the pagan's do that." Meaning, even the most unholy among us, can love their own. When did the church forget they were to be known by their love? Not by their 501C3 status..not by their right to assemble.. not by their tribal affiliations. I don't take my rights lightly or want to lose them....but neither am I afraid. And I would darn sure rather have a political setback for a few years, of conservative agenda, than have President Trump for 4 more, causing further polarization, division, and emotional upheaval for this country. He might know how to make money. He might know how to run giant corporations. He may have contacts the world over. He may be as professionally successful as a person comes, and he may even have some great ideas of how to manage this country finacially, which is what I think conservatives thought he would do, but he doesn't have wisdom. He doesn't listen. A wise man listen's. He is slow to anger. Trump is ruled by his emotions. A wise man trusts those, who have knowledge he doesn't have, and lets them help. I don't know what has made Mr. Trump who he is. I have compassion, because we don't chose our family's, and the brokeness that occurs in them, isn't our fault. But as an adult, we make choices for health or continued dysfunction. If doing this job brought no humility to his life, I'm not sure anything will. I have compassion for him, because of the battle his soul will wage to surrender to God and humility. I pray for it. Not for America's sake, but for his. But he doesn't get the drunk uncle pass anymore. We can't look the other way, because the conservative agenda is what is important. How could the Republicans sell out so completely? Because they loved themselves and their status quo more than God I think. If they love him at all. It's what happens when corruption has it's way. The frog"s have boiled to death. Blue and Red both. I pray. A lot. I pray for my leaders. FOR them. NOT against them. I will do the same for Mr. Biden when he takes office. I will not do to him, what was done to Trump from day 1, and determine the outcome before he has a chance to perform. I will not take every word and twist it, to make him look more ridiculous and stupid, when he speaks less intelligently than I think he should. I won't add to rhetoric of any kind...or conspiracy theories. I won't name call or shame. I will let history take place and determine his performance. I pray the Prince of Peace, make me a woman of peace. I refuse to let politics change me. Change the truth of who our Creator is and what He wants. Even if it means I lose my rights. The end will not justify the means in that case. I remember what it was like when elections were bitter and passionate, and when over, we went back to being united Americans, behind a leader, for better or worse. My kids and grandchildren probably will never see that. More's the pity. The GOP I saw in action the night of the capitol riots is not my GOP. Maybe I have been foolish and blind to what was there, or maybe there are two factions, some still with the courage to stand up and risk their personal careers and status quo for what is right. I'm all for a split, if it must come to that. A centrist GOP, will get my vote. I'm taking the names of those who weren't afraid to stand up to the bully's. They get my prayers too. And yes, the ones who rioted get my prayers en masse. May God forgive them, because they didn't know what they were doing. Freedom? I don't think so. May we not be a slave to a God of our own making. That's the worst prison of all. I heard it said once, that you know you have made God in your own image when he hates all the same people you do. Selah.

Read, and at least ask God some questions....

https://frenchpress.thedispatch.com/p/only-the-church-can-truly-defeat?fbclid=IwAR08IWmPlnid8gnXh_DHIMYdYasRElbsRtr1qv_XJUhDoJzPlT0jJPvU-Q4

Live Loved, Free Full - Devotional from Wayne Jacobsen

I got a profile on FB for the first time in about 10 years I think it's been, not sure, to connect with a group discussing a book. Didn't want to connect with friends there, or family either, because I didn't want the constant feed, although now it's a bit different and I could probably do it, and just not look at it, or see the posts if I choose. I can't take the political junk, and cruelty on there. The people I have relationships with I talk to. I don't need to connect there, though it's fun when it's fun. But mostly it hits my yuck meter. The group turned out disappointing, and I left it, and am now only part of a book launching group for a devotional book from Wayne Jacobsen called, Live Loved, Free, Full. Published by Blue Sheep Media. If your looking for a refreshing devotional, this is it. I've read devotionals all my Christian life convinced I needed them. Heads up, you don't. But don't let that stop you on this one. Most of them beat me up, some gave me a sip of water, almost none helped me with my burdens by telling me what new discipline I needed to practice to get better. Many, many were method devotionals, to which I was particularly susceptable. Like planning your life out in 15 min increments. Setting weekly, monthly, yearly, and life goals. Doing spiritual mapping.....ugh....I'm breaking into a sweat. I know Wayne's message fairly well, having listened to him for the past 5-6 years, so I knew this would not be remotely close to any of that, and so wasn't in the least nervous about picking it up. And unlike FB, it does not disappoint. It's so refreshing to read passages and hear a word daily that reflects the Father's love and affection for me, rather than crack the whip over my head, or focus on my weaknesses, which is what I thought God wanted for years. While God does want us to grow, we can't do it by staring at our sins. We do it by receiving His love. It's backdoor, stealth spiritual warfare. Go in a dark room and turn on the light. Where does the darkness go? Light expells darkness. For so long I shoveled darkness trying to get the light in. That kind of warfare, wears you out. The enemy will let you work on your sins 24/7, because he knows, what a sisyphean task it is. But let the Father love you....let his affection flood you with confidence in his care and concern for you, in his utter committment to you, and things start to shift. Relax into that....and watch what happens. Invite him into sin, pain and shame, rather than try to fix them...and see how He answers. So, get your coffee, and watch the sun come up with your Friend, and inhale deeply. He's got you. Be encouraged. Or if your a night owl like me, go watch the sun set and repeat! Your not more spiritual if you get up at sunrise! LOL! And if you want to encourage yourself, and shift your thinking into a place of relaxing into a good Father's care, into love and affection from your creator, so that you have the strength to live this hard life, then get this little book and enjoy. If like me, you've been working hard trying to change, trying to assimulate into the Christian faith, or just change your heart, and are tired, and wondering if it's ever really going to change beyond your outward behavior, I say with Dr. Phil, "how's that working for you?" Give yourself a retreat, and retreat. RELAX. Do you really think He will throw up his hands and say, "that's it! I'm done!" Come on. It might feel like falling off a cliff backward, to relax into his love rather than perform for it, but close your eye's and fall. And be caught.

Back To One Thing

So I had to come back to blogspot. And maybe it makes sense. I mean much of my history is here, and you can see, if you have the patience and the stomach for it, much of my religious thought, and how much it's changed. Maybe it's good for me to look back once in a while just as a marker, of change too. I don't know...but the other platform was not working out, don't know if it's my brain (most likely) or a glitch or what. I just got tired of dealing with it and trying to write there. So back to basic, simple me. Fits. Title may change. We'll see. Everytime I get riled up about things, and think I have something to say, I either get too tired to say it, or realize no one is listening, and wants to hear it anyway. So, I'll treat this as a journal I guess, and if anyone wants to join in fine, and if not, it's my conversation with God, and my shout into the void.