The Pearl

I've been processing my life the last couple years. It's not been fun. I don't know if this is what mid life crisis feels like, but disillusionment and regret sum it up. I remember writing, "..why couldn't I be satisfied like everyone else, with going to church a couple times a week, serving there and going home and having a life. Why did I HAVE to KNOW God...not just be content to be with him.." I was driving a couple weeks ago and heard that familiar gentle if pithy voice. "So, you said you wanted to know me, no matter the cost, and now your mad because it cost you everything?" I'm so dull, many times I have entire conversations with him and don't realize it till it's over. But I was aware of what was happening. I was tempted to feel the old shame, and immediately knew that was not what he wanted, and indeed think he simply lifted it off. He wanted to process. Shame shuts that down. Which is why it's such an ineffective tool for behavioral change. So I decided to sit with him in that question. I do remember desperately wanting to know him. I'd been in church for 20-30 years total, and still didn't feel like I really KNEW him. I served him....constantly. I desperately wanted his attention and love and I wanted to love him more than anything. I thought giving up everything and serving him would be the path to the life I wanted. A deeply connected relationship with him. Fast forward and here I am at 60, horribly depressed about my life, though curiously at peace with God. How does that work?? Of course, 2 weeks down that road I'm still processing the question, but part of it has to do with approaching retirement age with what appears to be maybe some hardship. We were never really fully funded for mission work, so we weren't like professional missionaries fully funded and supported through a denomination. So we lost some retirement, but that's mostly been made up the last 5 years, but having to start over with a house payment, is hard. Most people have their home paid for, so they can live on fixed income a little easier. I never worked anywhere that gave retirement. I spend many years at home raising my kids, then owned my own business for 12 years before leaving for missions. It all suddenly seemed so foolish. Stupid. I never had the thought we would ever come home and live normal lives again. But here we are. Looking at a retirement that may be severly restricted, at least according to most of our age groups standards. No world travel....no yearly vacations possibly. No dreams left. That's the worst. And there are things I can't share here....hard things that drag my soul down and create misery. So I thought what was it all for? Did I only do it because I thought I would get blessed? Who knows...our hearts are such a mixture. All I can do is invite him into whatever sin, pain or shame I find. But I had to answer the question. Was I mad, because finding him cost me everything? No. I'm mad about a whole lot of things...but ultimately I got what I wanted. Him. It was always him. And there are depths to be plumbed I will never find in this lifetime. But I found the real Jesus. Not the Jesus of my parents...of any man's filter...of western Christianity, or Evangelical Christianity, of any religous filter....I found the man. And a Father whose heart was not rage, but love. I got the Pearl. It was worth selling all I had. Even if I have to sit in the consequences of buying it. So edit out that regret. I also realize, the way humans tend to frame life. Feels good, it's good. Feels bad it's bad. Not true. Maybe that's what midlife crisis is really about. Reframing your life. Figuring out what works, what doesn't. Being with those who love you, not convincing those who don't. Relaxing into the love of the Creator, instead of jumping through religous hoops to perform for him. It's a time of grace.