Fear of Man

Prov 29:25

25 The fear of man brings a snare,
But whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe.
NKJV

Character fault du jour. This one is in my face a lot the last 3 months. The desire for approval of man. Trying to get my need for acceptance and identity apart from Jesus. Painful. Absolutely fruitless. (if you notice, for the most part, people will NOT accept you as you are) This last 3 months was not only a time of further tearing down....Jesus has to get the rubble out of the way, but of getting me to see who He created me to be. He had a plan. "From before the foundations of the world".... He planned each of my days. Before I was in my mother's womb, He knew me.
When we're young, we find that people do not like traits that God gave us. I think it's because, to deal with them, they have to look at their own lack in some area. If I'm compassionate, and your not, you may feel guilt when I am operating in that, and as a result try to shut it down in me, so you don't have to feel bad. (there are also legitimate rough edges than God needs to "file" down on our character, so I'm not talking about the negative traits.)
I think this is how we lose parts of ourselves that God created us to be over time as we grow up. School teaches us very quickly that to behave in a certain way, wear certain clothes, hang with certain people creates an acceptable identity. When we come to the Lord, He has to burn all that away.
So here I stand....asking myself the question..."who am I, Lord?" A great question He is very pleased to answer, now that I want to know who He says I am.
So today for you also....
Through repentance and acceptance of Jesus' atonement, you are accepted, fully and unconditionally. This is the foundation for all future growth. If we don't get that...we won't be able to receive the rest.
Accept what Jesus paid such a high price for. He didn't die so that you could then work to earn His favor. He could have simply left for heaven without suffering if that were the case. He satisfied God's justice. That means your free.
He wants to show you who He made you to be. He had a great idea about you, that the world has warped, and tried to remold into something so watered down, so ineffectual, so hardened to His reality. No, you were made to walk in the power of God. So reject the thoughts that tell you anything else than what you are. You are God's own child. Precious and treasured. Grafted into the family of God. Our identity is in Him alone. Being a parent, a spouse, a pastor, a CEO or janitor...all are just assignments, not who we are. You are the Beloved of God. Amen!

The Attentive God

1 Peter 3:12
For the eye's of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer.

Unbelief is exalting any opinion above God's opinion. I've had so much of this in my life, it seems every other thought right now shows itself to be a lie. So much of what we learn in church even, is man exalting his opinion above God's, through the mixture of worldly wisdom and the Word of God. Paul says we are to tear down every thought that exalts itself above God...
2 Cor 10:3-5
4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ,
NKJV

Bringing into captivity...allowing Jesus to captivate my thought life, my knowledge of Him...hmmm.
So...if you have Jesus, you are among the righteous.
Rom 4:22-25
22 And therefore "it was accounted to him for righteousness."
23 Now it was not written for his sake alone that it was imputed to him, 24 but also for us. It shall be imputed to us who believe in Him who raised up Jesus our Lord from the dead,
NKJV

Rom 10:10-11
10 For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
NKJV

2 Cor 5:20-21
21 For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.
NKJV

This "right standing" with God is positional, and given at salvation, not earned. There is another righteousness, holiness, that can be attained through our choices to follow and allow Him to change us, but our "position" of righteousness is given through grace.
All that to say....God's eye's are on those whom belong to Him, and His ear is attentive to their prayers. Have you ever been with an attentive person? Their eye's stay on your face, while you speak. They give feedback...nodding, smiling...concern, empathy...expressing joy or sorrow at your joy or sorrow. At the sound of your voice, they stop what they are doing to give you their full attention. Nothing is more important than what you have to say in that moment.
That is the attentive God. Isn't He beautiful?! Kind, more than just loving...an overused expression we have come to disdain almost...no, it's more like He's saying when I pray, "Everyone, QUIET!! My beloved is speaking!!!

MAN!!! I LOVE HIM!!!!

Pressed down, over flowing.....

Well...as I FB'ed, I'm exhausted with the goodness of God!! He has worn me out with love and blessings!! This would have taken years of therapy....but He is a Counselor like no other...not only leading, helping, but able to just deliver you from whatever troubles or torments you. The move of the Holy Spirit right now is to reveal and give a download of the Father's heart, deliver us from self hatred, receive the spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Daddy!! (Abba!) To call out over you Hephzibah! The Lord delights in you!
The message we're missing in the church is not how much do you love God,and what can you do for Him, but how much does God love us, and what has He done???
God is desiring to reveal His heart to us...He is crying out, I love you, like I love my Son! John 17:23
23 I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me.

How much does God love Jesus?
A whole bunch!!!!!
Ask God to show you anything that hinders this love between you. He loves that question! He loves helping you remove anything that's in the way. There will be no condemnation when you bring Him your worst...he delights in mercy! We just need to fear Him, in this way... He is God, and we are not. If our opinions do not reflect His, guess who's need to change???? If our actions do not reflect Him, guess again, who needs to change? But the best news of all, is He will make these changes in you. He just loves that big YES in your spirit. If we ask He will come. Do you want to feel His love? Do you want the certainty you belong to Him...are pleasing to Him? Ask. We have not because we ask not. Don't be afraid of loss....it's a pearl of great price...sell everything you have to get it. It's worth it in the end. He's worth it. Find your courage to come....give Him what He paid such a high price for. He died that you might receive it. He's worth it....He's worth it all.

Smelling smoke???

Crash and burn.....guess it's all caught up with me. 3 days out with pneumonia. Feeling much better today, and certain now I'm going to live. What was even better than finding a good Dr. who listened to me, was then going to the prayer room on the way home and having a bunch of people lay hands on me and pray. It's one of the things I will miss about living here. Walking by limping on a crutch and people just reaching out to touch you, in the coffee shop, prayer room, where ever, "be healed".
I was having such hard broncho spasms, with a severly infected throat also, asthma, pneumonia, but the spasms stopped with the prayer and I could breath deeply again. I was so sore from coughing. I had not slept in over two days, so was exhausted. They prayed for my sleep, lungs, immune system, Charlie had several words of knowledge, and God healed my hip, an injury sustained a while back that I have been in and out of the chiropractor for. It had been hurting on the way back from the Dr. I thought..well, why not...if your on a roll, go God! I'll take whatever He wants to give me! It had not even occured for me to ask for healing for that until Gwen told me she asked God to heal her chronic neck injury from years ago. Then it was like...well yeah...why would we not ask God for these things? Are we that unbelieving? The church just doesn't look much different from the world...."where can a young man go to find deliverance" was the question asked by a prophetic man, right before this move of God here in Kansas City happened.
Indeed....if not the church, where?
Rev 3:2-3
2 Be watchful, and strengthen the things which remain, that are ready to die, for I have not found your works perfect before God. 3 Remember therefore how you have received and heard; hold fast and repent. Therefore if you will not watch, I will come upon you as a thief, and you will not know what hour I will come upon you
NKJV
Selah

Beauty in the eye of THE beholder!

During our outpouring of the Holy Spirit here, God is doing all kinds of things in me. I have always struggled with feelings of worthlessness. What woman doesn't probably, especially American women, who are fed such a warped standard of beauty. But the problem is, all have bought into the standard and judge one another by it also. Yesterday evening, an elderly gentleman and his wife who are in my class, after I finished praying for a women, told me the Lord told him to tell me that He (the Lord) is proud of me, and that though I am beautiful outside, I am even more beautiful inside. I started crying as he was telling me, because even as I was praying for the women in front of me to understand her worth and beauty in the eye's of the Lord, I realized I didn't believe it for myself, so how could I pray for her??? I ended up praying for both of us! If we don't understand our beauty in God's eye's, we also can't understand the deepest part of His love. If we aren't receiving His love, we will not love others, or Him. Earl keeps repeating it to me, telling me to receive it, like he knows I'm not...(because God is showing him I'm not!)
As I wrote this in my journal, kind of sarcastically I say, "God's standard of beauty is not the same as most." And it hits me. It's God's view that is the truth...not America's view. I had believed the lie. God said I was beautiful...and not just internally....externally, He sees me as beautiful too. And you know what? For the first time in my life, I feel beautiful. Not even when I was 20 years old and 110lbs. did I feel as beautiful as I do now, at 50 and fluffy. So America, reject me....I have the eye of my Maker, and He has the only opinion that counts! What's more, as I looked around the room at the hundreds of people attending tonight's meeting, I'm seeing beauty like never before. I just didn't have eye's for it, because I believed the wrong information. We were all stunning! I could see them as He sees them.
God is not a liar, like man, When He tells you, your beautiful...a lilly among thorns, Hephzibah! Tirzah! Believe Him. He always tells you the truth. It's all about what He thinks. And it's all about love. Good bye, self hatred. Hello georgeous! Deliverance looks great on me! (heard that in a testimony!) HA!

God is God and I'm Not....duh

Ok....so there is this move of the Holy Spirit here at IHOP. Mind you...they have been praying and worshipping 24/7, 365 days a year since 1999, and this has never happened. They have been patient....they have waited, not tried to fabricate or produce revival "symptoms" or manifestations. I was really confused. Having been deceived before, I am a cautious, to the point of paranoia at times, "gentle" charismatic. I have seen so much ego and "flesh" in this sort of thing, that I'm actually more a skeptic, than even cautious. Human beings can just be such messes, present company and writer, the poster child for such messes.....
God, through a book I have, showed me a story about Elijah. How he sent Elijah out to the brook Cherith and told him to hide himself. He said you'll drink from the brook Cherith, and I'll send ravens to feed you.
To Elijah, a prophet of God, capitol P, this would have been offensive. In Levitcus 11, the law said to avoid these unclean birds, who were scavengers, birds of prey.

(I find it interesting that the root of the word Cherith means to destroy, specifically to covenant. I'm not sure I understand the meaning behind that yet...it was just curious to me.
OT:3772
karath (kaw-rath'); a primitive root; to cut (off, down or asunder); by implication, to destroy or consume; specifically, to covenant (i.e. make an alliance or bargain, originally by cutting flesh and passing between the pieces):)

As a prophet, Elijah knew the word of God. He not only knew it, he lived, ate, and breathed it. He walked in power in it. This was a man dead to himself, and alive to God. But as Art Katz writes, we sometimes have "to relinquish our own spiritual correctness. The only one that can pass through that threshhold is not someone who is indifferent or casual to the scriptures. It is the person who is most insistent upon the truth of them."
Basically...God is God, and He can do what He wants. If He wants to exceed or "seem" to contradict Himself, in His wisdom, can we trust Him and remain secure in our relationship?" Art asks.
This isn't to say we shouldn't always look to the scriptures for the measurement of truth. That IS the yardstick of truth. But if God wants to move outside of that box, beyond the end of that yardstick....well.....I'm not gonna stop Him, and neither are you. You can only refuse what He is trying to give or send.
So what did I find in my soul today? Pride. Tons of fear, TONS. A misunderstanding, of understanding.....wha,huh?
Our Greek way of thinking that is rife in the American church, always must understand and define. Jews are ok with God's mysterious seeming contradictions. He's God. He can be one thing AND another. They are comfortable with that. I think that is a good thing to grasp hold of. So from now on, God can be God. (aren't you relieved Lord?) He can be this today, that tomorrow. Both the next day.
If He wants to move in a way that offends me to get at something in me, like pride, fear, control, having to understand everything, define it, label it and file it.....He can do that. In fact, I say Yes, God and Amen. If it's good in your sight, it's good.
Having said all that...how then do we know if something is of God, if He moves beyond or outside of the letter of His scriptures?
The Lord reminded me today, you don't get good fruit from a bad tree. Examine the fruit. Fruit is not results....I always thought that good works was fruit. No..
Gal 5:22-25
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. 24 And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
NKJV
Examine the leader. If it is a person of integrity, manifesting the above fruit in increasing measure...and if they are, they have crucified their flesh, and you can trust that the move of God will be stewarded in integrity and wisdom, whether because of our human condition our flesh gets mixed in a little or not. And God will not cause us to sin, to bless us. He can't violate His own character.
So we don't have to fear deception. We need to use the Word, and wisdom God has given us to discern error. Knowing Satan appears as an angel of light, we must be diligent to observe, pray, and judge correctly. Not all that looks good, merciful,and beautiful, is. (2 Cor.11:14-15)
As we move towards the end of the age, deception will increase. The time is NOW..to get ready...to know our God. We don't have to be afraid...we need to be prepared. Jesus commanded us to know the time of our visitation. Not the day or hour..the season. Mark 13:32, Luke 21:7-36.
He is so faithful! Watch and pray!

Desire of All Nations

Tomorrow starts the monthly Global Bridegroom fast. This is a voluntary thing they do here at IHOP. Jesus said in response to the criticism that his disciples did not fast, that they couldn't fast while the bridegroom was with them, but they soon would fast when he was taken away. (Mark 2:18-20) It's a fast for intimacy, a greater experience of His presence, and also a kind of mourning of love sickness for Jesus. The disciples lived with Him daily and grieved losing that physical presence of Jesus. They missed him.
For so long I didn't understand the ache of loneliness in my spirit. I kept medicating it. It didn't make sense. The more I learned about Jesus, His love for me, the worse it got. Being the good American I am, I pushed down the pain, and got sick. Now...I get it. I miss Him. I want Him to come back. We, as His Bride, were made for Him. We will never be satisfied with anything less.
Tomorrow, among other things, I'm fasting words. I've been convicted about my speech. God can't anoint my words and use them in power unless it is sanctified to Him. I'm not naive enough to think a 3 day fast, is going to complete that work, but it's an offering. He sees the "YES" in my spirit, and loves that!
There are people all over the world who participate in this fast, so it's powerful to think of us all joining together to fast and pray our desire for the Lord together.
Corey Russel, one of the teacher/preachers here said that our walk can be summed up in one word. Desire. He will give us His presence in direct proportion to our desire for Him. If we have little of His presence in our lives, we have to realize, we have as much of Him as we desire. Selah.

Really....

Do I really believe Jesus is coming back? Would I continue to live the same way if I did?
Don't think much of the church is living with this reality. It's kind of pie in the sky talk. What about the here and now...."don't be so heavenly minded your no earthly good."
I'm thinking...unless I'm heavenly minded, I won't be any earthly good at all to anybody. I believe Jesus IS coming back. I'm praying for it. And I'm changing with this heart understanding.
Jesus does not come back as a lamb. He doesn't come back as a baby. He doesn't come back as a servant. These are the only paradigms we seem to have. He comes back as a Lion...Judge...and Bridegroom King. He comes into Jerusalem on a Horse, the symbol of war, not a donkey. Jesus IS, Lion AND Lamb, Sacrifice AND High Priest, Servant AND King. It's both/and. Not either/or. Our God is a jealous God. Not with petty jealousy as we tend to on earth....but holy...He wants all of us, because of His great love, like a husband passionately in love with His Bride. Why are we offended at God's anger? It doesn't mean He isn't love, in fact it points to an even greater love for all in the earth. Judgements are coming in the earth. Blessed are those who are not offended in Me, Jesus said. Selah....(meaning...put that in your pipe and smoke it!). I miss Him and want Him to come back. I will seek Him, and I will work...but the Spirit and this particular Bride say "come".

The Foolishness of God

One of my leaders told a story he had firsthand knowledge of. Someone he knew was waiting in an airport, and was praying, "God, is there anything you want? Someone you'd like me to talk to?"
God spoke and said, " go stand on your head in front of that vending machine." He said," NO WAY! That's not the voice of God! That's just stupid, He doesn't want me to do that!" He argued in his mind, but the urgency kept building to go stand on his head in front of the vending machine, and finally, unable to withstand the pressure, he went and did it. In moments a guy came rushing up to him saying, "why are you doing that!???" He told the man, "well, I'm a follower of Jesus, and He told me to stand on my head in front of this vending machine." The guy started sobbing! God had been speaking to him for 3 years, chasing him down, and just moments before, he had said, "ok Jesus, if this is you, make a guy stand on his head in front of that vending machine. " He gave his life to Christ right there.

Oh, Lord, make me that foolish.

Home for the weekend!

Home for a weekend break while Gwen attends a function with her family. Left Thursday night at 9pm, our newest class PureHeart, had just split into small groups but we went ahead and left to make it to Warrenton so we could leave early in the morning and make it home by 2:30pm Friday. Made it with 5 minutes to spare! Good to be home. I can't believe I've been gone for a month already, it doesn't feel like it. Guess that's the blessing of being so busy. I have two days to get around and see my family so guess this is going to go fast too! Going to church at Shma' Israel this morning, probably Ginghamsburg tomorrow, so that is getting squeezed in also. Please keep us in your prayers, as we live the adventure! No income from me....temporary job for Brad.... isn't God funny???

Meltdown

Had a meltdown today. Couldn't make myself get up go to class...prayer room, or group. Just wanted to be alone, and so tired. SO tired. Our leaders call this "drinking from the fire hydrant" and now I see why. The intensity, shear volume of information, and presence of God all work to create quite a shift from my normal daily life. I slept till 1pm...(I'm embarrassed...felt like such a slug) and got up, putzed around the apartment, cleaning a little, did my laundry which was nice with everyone out of our building. Worked on my homework assignment for tomorrow which is an Apostolic prayer from Ephesians 3:16 - 19;
...that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth, and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God.
As I meditated on this scripture, I realized that in the traditional church, we don't like emotion. Just give me the facts...the written truth and I can make a decision based on that. And those of us who have broken loose from the institutional church, have merely moved into polite, sophisticated gladness. But God is emotional. And He wants us to experience His love through His word, and His care for our lives, but also through our emotions, feeling His love for us. We can't live on emotion, but its an important part of any relationship, and you can't refuse to include it in your relationship with Him. What gives Him joy and pleasure, should give us joy and pleasure, what hurts Him, should hurt us. And most importantly...we need to feel His pleasure for us. You were made to dance, shout, wail, and mourn.
He's not talking the facts in this prayer...He's talking feeling....the breadth, width, depth and height of His love. To be rooted and grounded in THAT...that will fill up what is lacking in love in our hearts, both for God and people, to say nothing about also giving us confidence in His love for us. This emotional connection surpasses knowledge. It's intimacy.
What a powerful prayer to pray for someone, especially the church in this day. As we approach the time when Jesus is coming back, this heart connection will be more and more important. The facts will not hold you steady...it's His love for you and your love for Him.
This is going round and round in my head....so though I skipped school...and did nothing major for God today, I have felt His pleasure. It was just me and Him, on our "luxurious couch." (Songs 1:16)
This was my prayer all day yesterday...Songs 1:1-4
May He kiss me with the kisses of His mouth! (His word)
For your love is better than wine.
Your oils have a pleasing fragrance (oil speaks of the Holy Spirit and our relationship)
Your name is like purified oil; Therefore the maidens love you.
Draw me after you and let us run together!
The King has brought me into His chambers.

Praying for a good soak in His love for you all.....

On the run....

Not much time to write...shower and out the door. I just got a little window of Internet connection and am pounding the keys trying to get everything done before it disappears! School is amazing....more than that...just don't have words. Hope everyone who lives nearby and has this night and day is aware of their blessing! Yesterday during worship the joy of the Lord just filled me up to overflow...the freedom and fearlessness just overflowed....I just had to....CONGA!!!! Yes...conga...guess that's childlike faith being expressed? It was a blast...Had to wrestle with some things afterwards, but Satan never likes you to have fun with God. We shouldn't be surprised at his fiery darts after something like that. And the part of our own souls that has grown hard, sophisticated, afraid or jaded....that will keep you from dancing. There is freedom here because this is not business as usual. These are glad people...their hearts are glad. It's been a long time since my heart was glad. I've had little tastes, and moments of it in the last year and a half or so....kind of like a "taste and see that the Lord is good!" moment to make me hungry. Jesus will woo us and wine and dine us and we will remember our first love, if we make that choice to take our eye's off worthless things, and pursue Him. And it's love that makes a disciple. Not duty...not being compelled under pressure, not religious beliefs and rules, or trying to be good. It's being in love with your maker.
Songs 8:6
Put me like a seal over your heart, Like a seal on your arm.
For love is as strong as death, jealousy is as severe as the grave
Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord.
Many waters cannot quench love, Nor will rivers overflow it.
If a man were to give all the riches of his house for love, it would be utterly despised.
Pray though that scripture and meditate on it a while. Many things will overcome our zeal...nothing will overcome our love.

Sukkot

I am learning about the holiday, Sukkot, or Feast of Tabernacles at FFOZ , "Camping out with God." (ffoz.org)

Anyway...I thought...except for the outdoor part...and being vulnerable to the elements, that's kind of what I'm doing here. Camping out with God, totally depending on Him. I'm realizing what a gift I've been given. There are over 100 people who apply for school here, EVERY DAY, from countries all over the world. They can't get in until the school gets their accreditation. Once that is in place, the flood gates will open, and literally thousands of students will come here, from every country imaginable. I realized the privilege of my seat in class with the thought that so many would give anything to be in my place.....the incredible gift of 3 months freedom from responsibility to pursue intimacy with Jesus, and camp out with God.

For over a year now, I committed to go on a retreat once a month, just overnight up at Maria Stein. It has become one of the most important disciplines I have developed in my walk with Jesus, and God willing I will never stop doing it, in one form or another. Jesus did it...it's imperative if we really want to connect with the heart of God.

Gwen had a dream last night. She and I went out to dinner. We each got a steak, and ate only the best center part out of it. Gwen then told her husband Dennis, "we have to go to this amazing restaurant." It was a luxurious hotel/restaurant with nouvelle (sp?)cuisine. The waiter was amazing, taking care of only them the entire time. When the bill came for the two dinners, it was $499.00!! She said she felt bad because Dennis was paying for it, but he took it in stride like it was nothing, and it didn't lesson his enjoyment of the experience.

We both realized, as she related this, that God was giving us a picture of our husbands, and what they were doing for us. Both of them layed down their own desires (lives)to give us this time to pursue God. They are paying a pretty steep cost, taking on our responsibilities, and sacrificing so that we can obey God's call on our lives. And doing it cheerfully...which you know God loves that cheerful giver!!

Brad also sacrificed having my income....a dicey thing at the moment with him having a temporary job, though God has been faithful, even giving him overtime. We don't know what the full cost will be to follow Jesus in this life, but we know that ultimately....it's nothing compared to the "incomparable riches found in Christ."

I'm getting the "filet mignon" for the moment, and Brad's getting the bill, but I pray that next time, he's the one dining.

I told someone once, that Brad was my "Jesus with skin on." That's not as sacrilegious as it sounds....we are to be Christ' hands and feet in this world. Brad is God's practical, earthly way of hugging me, loving me, providing for me. Thank you for your obedience Brad, and for covering me with your blessing. We may be sowing in tears, but I'm already reeping a great harvest, before it hardly hits the ground! What an awesome God we have! What a special husband I've been given!

Truth

Ultimate freedom is slavery to Christ, and ultimate slavery is freedom from God.
Ryan Couch

I want to move here.....

Ok, I'm ready to move. That didn't take long! Went from stressed to blessed, 0-60mph! That's because you have to "let" God bless you. You can stand outside that circle if you want to. I can put my eye's on everything that's going on around me, or I can put them on Jesus. I'm just here, to climb over the side of the boat. The storm doesn't matter...the waves don't matter...the temperature of the water, and whether there just might be something big enough to swallow me in there....doesn't matter. Peter would have made it...he would have walked on the freakin' water had He not took his eye's off the Lord. The Lord rescued him anyway, but the point is, we could all dance on the water if we would stop getting our knickers in such a twist about life's inconsistencies, troubles and bumps. It doesn't have to be calm water to walk on it. Read the story.
(Ok, tomorrow I might be freaking out again...your free to remind me of what I just preached. )
It's amazing to me, that all these years, God has been leading me, teaching me pretty much just out of the word, and I come here, and there are a couple thousand people just like me, with the same language, paradigm and grid that I have. The square peg finds the square hole to fit in finally. God has a place for all of us. In His family, there is room for everyone. Don't you just love that about Him? And all it takes is Jesus. He did it all for us. I'm a happy camper.......

No Recess????

Well...God's little joke...everything has been changed! Of course it has! We are now thrown in with the twentysomethings, and doing the same Intro to IHOP that is required to go on staff here. That means 50 hours a week, plus some extra's. 25 hours in the prayer room, 12 in teaching, and 12 in team building. Home work is now expected...no just auditing classes, nosireebobtail, we're in the army now!!
A major overload on the brain, lot's of whimpering going on in the grey hair section....well...from me anyway. I went to the prayer room for an hour just to make sure God hasn't mixed up my file with someone else's. Appears everything is in order. So yippee! The adventure begins. I can't believe I prayed for this....
I need to go to bed now.

Orientation

First day of school....hope my kneesocks stay up and no one makes fun of me.

Sabbath rest today

Thursday, we went down to visit the First Fruits of Zion folks in Marshfield, Mo. They are a Messianic online teaching ministry, that I really respect. So humble..
We phoned to ask to come down, and they graciously told us to come. When we got there we were given a tour of their facility. They print and construct their own resources for the most part. Dvd's, CD's, study materials. Some young men, treated us like queens, and patiently explained everything, and answered our questions. As we walked through an archway, I saw a print I had seen on their web site and liked, and mentioned it to Gwen. We went into an incredible library. Beautiful desks, chairs, and shelf after shelf of books, both new and rare, antiques from Jewish, Christian, and Messianic authors spanning hundreds of years. They also do the filming of teaching modules in there. We lingered there for a while, and they invited us to come anytime and spend the day in there. YES!!! As we finished our tour, one of the young men came out with a book and study guide that Gwen and I had actually planned on buying in the future, and gifted them to us. Love and the Messianic Age, by Paul Philip Levertoff is a project near and dear to their hearts. Out of print for many years, this important work is now being shared once again. Along with the gift of books, the young man handed me a copy of the print I had pointed out to Gwen. I was so blessed...it is titled "Called to Prayer" and features a man of faith, facing away in the Israel countryside, with his Talit on, blowing a shofar. Beautiful both in meaning and expression to me. I think it is my 'standing stone' for this time at IHOP. They also gave Gwen the first ever, "hot off the press" edition of Hayesod, a new teaching program on the roots and foundation of our faith. We will begin that sometime in January when we return.
This trip actually started with a pretty big challenge, in that when we got here, we found out that we had not received some important emails, and the program dates had been changed. We ended up being here a week early! Not only that...but now the program would extend that extra week in December, which I already have booked with clients. I had a bit of a melt down, then slowly over the next few days, as God blessed us again and again with little gifts, wining and dining us so to speak, we trust that this was just time to relax, get our bearings, and have a little fun! Monday the work starts, so tomorrow is the last day of our bonus week. We found a little church out by Longview Lake we want to visit in the morning. The scripture the Lord gave me today as we sat out by the lake, having our sabbath with a picnic, enjoying Him, and listening to the acorns dropping out of the trees around us, was Isaiah 61:3.
To grant those who mourn in Zion,
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
They will be called "oaks of righteousness",
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.
That's just what I feel He's been up to...giving me a garland instead of ashes...gladness instead of mourning, praise instead of fear. Rooted in love...giving me a firm foundation from which I will not be shaken in the days to come. Amen.

A New Thing

The new adventure begins Saturday. Rosh Hashanah, how about that! The "real" new year, and the start of a new thing....hmmmm. I was laying in bed night before last and had one of those frozen moment times where I thought in panic, 'am I really going to go away from home for 3 months???' Doubt just assaulted my mind. Didn't sleep much. Brad has blessed it though and that's all I need, besides God's blessing. I have to agree....it probably looks pretty foolish for me to do this, at this time. Wisdom will be justified in the end. I have to rest in that.
Marla is in town today, so am hoping to see her however briefly. It's been almost 10 months since I've been to Jamaica. I miss everyone so much.
I will be in Kansas City for 3 months learning, I hope, how to establish a house of prayer, along with other biblical studies. Maybe someday, I will help start a H.O.P in Jamaica also! Wouldn't that be amazing! Only God knows!

Brother Bob

I was at the Infirmary one day when Brother Bob, an itinerate preacher, showed up with an assistant. They went through the wards, preaching. I was curious about how they would preach as so much of the church "seems" to be very legalistic...kind of stuck in the 50's era. I wondered if it would be hellfire and damnation kind of preaching. But to my delight, Brother Bob was the gentlest of men, and his preaching was nothing but the word of God, emphasizing the love of God and salvation through His Son. He talked about sin and told the truth...but presented it as I believe scripture does...in love, and stressing God's desire for us. Later, after we introduced ourselves, Brother Bob told me he had preached in a church in Cincinnati!! He gets around! Richard followed him from the men's building into the women's to listen to Him. He gave enough feedback for the whole ward, shouting "YES", and "AMEN" , "HALLELUIA"at regular intervals. Then he would raise a finger and say, "Brother Bob? Brother Bob?" like he wanted to ask questions. Evidently this is a problem , and Brother Bob, deftly kept everyone, including Richard on track until he finished. I think Richard interrupts his sermons on a regular basis. Afterwards we were going through the women's ward praying for people. Margaret has been in a lot of pain, and I'm worried about her as she seems to have a mass in her abdomen. We pray for her by turns, and she cries grateful to be prayed for. As we make our way to the back ward, Brother Bob striding up and down the room prays us right up into heaven. I am kneeling by Princess' bed, praying and open my eye's to look at her. I wish I had my camera so I had a picture of this, but it would have been too intrusive anyway. She lays half on her back and half on her side, but her hands are folded together as best as they can with the contractures she has, on her chest, and her face is pointed to the heavens, and I'll forever remember the look on her face. She had this seraphic smile, eye's closed....love. It was just a look of love. I'm not sure when, but felt the Lord speaking to my heart that she was an intercessor. I told her that later, and she shook her head, with a look like "what use am I?" I talked to her about what intercession is and does, and gave her some assignments. She lays all day and watches everything that goes on. I told her to pray for the employees as they worked, the residents...for the Matron, Juliette, who at that time, was experiencing real hardship because she was making everyone tow the line and holding them accountable. She had death threats on her life, and her children....finally, I think the abuse must have been too much and she left. Maybe Princess' prayers protected her. I hope she is still praying. I wrote her a letter not long ago. I need to do that more often and encourage her. We all have purpose. Even the least of these, the most childlike, uneducated, unsophisticated, unlikely. I'm thinking...their purpose is even greater than most.
Whoever humbles themself as a little child, is greatest in the Kingdom of heaven. Matt.18:4
I'm thankful for Brother Bob, who sees the treasure living up there, and doesn't consider it beneath him to preach in such a humble pulpit.

Martin Luther King

"He whom you would change, you must first love.

A worthy thought to contemplate.

To be known

One of the things I've had on my heart is a simple thing to do, yet every time I go to Jamaica, there doesn't seem time to do it. I would like to make pretty placards to hang over the head of each bed with the name of the person on it. Many can not speak, and some, if they do, you can't understand, and so we remain unknown to one another. It's so sweet to hear your name spoken kindly. It makes a heart connection that just asking "how are you today" doesn't do. We need that.
John 10:3 says that Jesus knows us by name. And in Revelation, when He comes back, He will give us each a new name, known only to ourselves. Rev.2:17
Our names are an integral and personal part of us. We need to know that it's on God's lips, and we hear that through the lips of those loving us through Him. Maybe that's why it's so sweet to hear your spouse or loved one use your name. It could be Jesus speaking to us....I love you....don't worry, it will be all right.....I won't leave you, ever.
I heard Mike Bickle teaching about washing each other in the word. We need to do that for one another...it's like an audible word from God when we speak God's heart and truth for someone. I need to start asking myself, who does God want me to wash with His word today... whose name is He speaking and laying on my heart? What do you think of them Lord? What do you want them to know?
If we all did that...I wonder what would happen? I think we would be filled with courage and confidence in God.

Alvin

One of my many favorites is Alvin. He told me he has been in the Infirmary for over 20 years. His legs are malformed, and he has very limited use of his twisted arms. His bible lies by his head. A very intelligent man, he loves to talk. He always starts out by telling me "Lisa...you are looking fabulous today!" It always makes me laugh as I stand there sweating (the staff tells me I'm melting) with my hair tied up in a kerchief. Alvin loves to read, and can converse on about anything. He's waiting on the Lord to come get him, but until then, he will live each day with gladness, and patience. His theology at times can be a little confusing to me, but we call on the same Lord, so we are family. I know if I'm going over to his section, to grab a chair because there is no quick "hi, how are you", with Alvin. One of the amazing things about him is his attitude. There is no impatience...no seeming unhappiness...just an ever present contentment and joy that has nothing to do with his circumstance. He has made up his mind to be happy.
Paul said, " Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content. I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things, I have learned both to be full, and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil. 4:11-13
Alvin carries that treasure in his "earthen vessel."

For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world, to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world, to put to shame the things which are mighty, and the base things of the world, and the things which are despised, God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in his presence. 1 Cor. 1:26-29
Don't you love that?!!

When Charity Destroys Dignity

A brother in the Lord, gave me a book, on a recent mission trip. "When Charity Destroy's Dignity" by Glenn J. Schwartz. I confess I haven't read it all the way through yet, a year later. It's written for better minds than mine, and I'll need help to get through it, but I get the gist of it. In our zeal to help, we create dependants on the church organization, not the Lord. We enable in the most harmful ways, instead of enabling personal dignity and courage. A hand up, not a hand out as the saying goes.

There is a gut response to seeing need. You want to meet it. Now. And this is our western culture, that more "stuff" will make it better. I had a list as long as my arm of stuff I wanted to drum up for the Infirmary. And I haven't given up on some of it...it's still my wish to make it a bit more comfortable, especially for the bedridden.

Marla probably has to go through this with everyone, but I had to go through the "fix it" phase of my adaptation to the culture.

You give all this stuff, watch it be stolen, and realize..there is no fixing it. Not on a human level anyway. The real need is Jesus Christ and the love and healing He brings. Only He changes the heart. Only He gives faith that He will meet my need, and I don't have to steal from this yet poorer person than myself. It's all about the heart. So I can tear down the Infirmary, and rebuild it to a cutting edge facility and the "condition" will remain the same. Nothing will have changed. Their food will still be stolen, equipment stolen and sold, and I will come back to a stripped bare building, with hungry people in it.

You can't judge it. A poverty culture creates poverty mentality...or maybe it's the other way around. You see that in the States by people who have plenty, but are just afraid of not having enough. Even if you have "enough", you might not tomorrow, so take what you can now. It's dominated by fear. And if you've watched your children go hungry, you can understand that. It's far too complicated to fix.

The only thing that can fix deep spiritual and cultural problems is Jesus. Because He works from the inside out.

Because the Infirmary houses people who can not work, can not provide for themselves, and are incapable of sustaining their lives, we help with food and diapers and the luxury of a trip to the beach just for fun. I hope in the future, maybe several Jamaican church's might partner together to visit and love on the residents, and to help insure that needs are met. I pray for western missionaries to be phased out, and Jamaican missionaries raised up! But when everyone is poor, it's hard.
For now, they need help from the body. The church in America is not poor. And it's our job, to share with our brother's and sister's the world over. That is MY church in Jamaica. That's part of MY body. I think it shows the importance of working through the local body of Christ only, where ever you happen to go, because we are to be a unified body first, everyone sharing and meeting need. The object is to reveal God's faithfulness, not ours. God's provision, not my provision. Dependence on God...not me. We're just a reflection. And in that way, draw others to Christ as they feel His love through His people. Always...the object of any mission is to lift up Jesus, so that if He is lifted up He will draw all men unto Himself.
I've come to the conclusion that this is why welfare programs don't work. They create dependence on a government, that has no power to give life, not God, who has the power to give life, transform it, changing both people and circumstances. We do harm instead of good by taking away the pressure and pain that encourages us to change, encourages us to seek God for relief.
We do spiritual harm, when we say, here is your portion from the government, no need to change anything, rather than, here is a share of God's provision, and He has a plan for your life. He loves you.
Alright, off my soapbox....

Soap Nazi

It was a joke after my day working at one of the clinics. Bonnygate is one of the favorites I think of just about everyone. Partway up the mountain, it's Pastor Kermit's territory, a local pastor that Marla has partnered with for many years, and a friendly and pretty organized group. My first trip, not having much to do at the time, I was given a big bag of miscellaneous soaps and hygiene items to give away. I had tried several different places trying to keep from creating a "Who" effect. (the rock band, remember?)
I was causing crowd control problems wherever I went....freebies you know?
I was praying over people then giving them a mixed bag of items to take home. A big line formed with people asking me to pray for them. I'm feeling pretty spiritual what with all the request for prayer, and I'm praying for one after another, until suddenly I think the person in front of me seems familiar. It happens again, and I realize they are simply going around the building and coming back and getting in line to get more soap! I say, to the woman in line...don't I know you? She starts giggling sheepishly, and I tell her, humorously, to scram and don't let me see her back in line. We laughed at each other as she walked away. They all start grinning at this point because they know I can't tell who's been in line and who hasn't. I ended up going inside the medical clinic and only giving what soaps I had left to those seeing the Doctors. And since I was guarding my bag pretty zealously, ...Soap Nazi. NO SOAP FOR YOU!

Alone and unknown

This entry won't be long. It's just to pause and remember a gentleman that I didn't even really meet, except to try and give him a drink. He was lying facing the wall. Sonny, in the neighboring bed told me he was very sick, and wasn't moving much. The next morning when I got there the man was dead. Dying at the Infirmary is not necessarily a sad thing, as to live in that environment is hard, and going to heaven preferable. But I didn't even know his name. I don't think Sonny knew him either. Just one of the transients, who come to die. I just can't imagine passing from life, with no one. No one to care. Did he have family somewhere? A friend? Someone that would miss him? I have to comfort myself, that we are never alone as believers in Jesus. He's there, waiting to walk us home when our time comes. Our passing is never unnoticed by Him.
"Not even a sparrow falls to the ground without the Father...." thank you Lord, that you will never leave us or forsake us. We don't have to fear being alone....ever.

Miss Mavis

Mavis is one of the elderly residents in the back of the ward. She came not that long ago in between my visits. I'm not sure exactly what her condition is. She cannot move anything but her head. She is diabetic, so must completely depend upon the Aids to get her a snack if she feels her blood sugar dropping, which is a scary thing for her. I sat and fed her dinner one night and got to know her a little. She's a very sweet woman, very sad, and frightened to be at the Infirmary....with good reason, being unable to move and at the mercy of everyone. She cries as she tells me her children didn't want her anymore. (a common story I hear among the residents) We pray for her children, that God will soften their hearts, and change them. She doesn't seem to care if they come get her as much as she just wants to see them before she dies. It's hard to leave her each day. Her needs are so great, and her abandonment so complete. She feels abandoned by God too, and I think, that's why I'm there. To remind her He has not forgotten her. It's useless to even try and figure out what the meaning is in all this suffering. But I know He is good. So He doesn't do "bad" things. And this is overcoming faith...that in the midst of our suffering, we trust, because He is good. He is trustworthy. And He's there..in that bed with Miss Mavis. How His heart must break also as we wait for the answer to our prayers. That her children will come see her and tell her they love her, just one more time.
Mavis is one that they pick up and carry to the beach with the others. I find her later, lying in the surf, leaning up against someone who is supporting her. I ask her how she feels, how the water feels, and she smiles so big and says, "wonderful!!!" Once home and back in bed, she says she did not know there were such wonderful people in the world, and wondered why they cared about her. Oh Jesus...shine through us. Let her see you. Your wonderful! You care!
I pray with her, before I go and kiss her, both of us crying, not wanting to leave because I don't know if this is the last time I'll see her, and she says also, "I don't know if I'll be here when you get back." I can hardly stand it that it's going to be another year before I can go down. Lord send your people. And tell Miss Mavis I love her.

Sharon

Sharon is the developmentally challenged adult that hits if you remember. The "wicked" one.
She actually can be very loving, she just gets frustrated easily. She takes hold of your wrist in a vice like clamp, and the more you try to get her off the tighter she holds. She slugged one of the mission visitors really hard. I think the visitor was frightened a little by the iron clamp she had on her arm, and tried to get away. I have a theory, that Sharon is like the little old lady that was sucking my hands into her mouth because she was so hungry. Sharon is so hungry for touch, hugs, love that she grabs and forces, and gets angry when it's rejected. I'm going to experiment next time, by hugging her when she clamps onto my arm. Just stop what I'm doing and hold her a minute. We'll see what happens...a smile for her, or a bruise for me!
She broke my heart on the last beach trip. We had a lot of help this trip so almost everyone in the Infirmary got to go, bedridden, paralyzed...they were all carried onto the bus. I grinned to myself thinking, at home, they would have been having a heart attack at the liability of taking these patients to the beach.
Like in town one day, there was a fender bender, and people gathered to take sides, and yell advice...abuse, whatever. Because there are no jobs, there are a lot of people just hanging in the streets. Looks like a festival is going on usually. Anyway, everybody gets out, looks at the damage, yells, shakes fists in the air...then just get in their cars and leave. There's no insurance to cover you....you just go home with a dent in your car, and if your lucky, no one's hurt. The liability is totally your own.
So I'm helping residents find clothing they can wear to the beach, and I notice Sharon. She runs and gets her "beach clothes" on, and keeps wanting me to take her out to the bus. I'm becoming more and more upset because I know that she is the one who gets horribly carsick, so is not allowed to go. She gets more frantic, wanting to go, and I have to sit her down on her bed and try to explain to her why she has to stay. She fully understood my words, because she got sadder and sadder and just sat on the edge of her bed and hung her head, utterly limp. The bus drivers are picky about their buses. Most are emblazoned across the top of the windshield with their nick names, or philosophy of life. It's like part of their identity. They are proud of them and keep them very clean. They will not be happy with someone hurling all over the place.
I had to wait and go with the last bunch, and she was still sitting there...head hanging. I wish I would have stayed. I wanted to see Princess in the water at the beach, her first time to get to go, and selfishly...I went. I should have stayed with Sharon. It haunts me how abandoned she must have felt. How much does she understand? What does she feel? One of the Aids said she came from a family that beat her. Explains the hitting. And the need for loving touch.
Next time I'm hoping to take Dramamine, and sneak her past. If not, I'll stay and we'll get a bucket of water to play in or something. Or maybe we'll just hug....

A personal note on Manna

One day, on one of the first trips I took to Jamaica, I remember sitting in the evening several days into the trip and realizing I wasn't hungry. In fact, I realized I hadn't cared about food in several days or thought much about it. The reason I was stunned momentarily is because that is my great struggle, or actually the symptom of my great struggle to be precise. So I think, "whoa...what's up with that?!" As I sit and pray, the Lord leads me to a scripture that blows me away. The disciples have gone into town to get some food, and Jesus has encountered the woman at the well. He's sitting there waiting for them, and they return and urge him to eat. He responds, "I have food to eat that you don't know of." They immediately begin to assume someone brought him food. John 4:34


"My food, is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work."


Why didn't I care about food? Because I was doing the will of the Father. At first I thought, wow, I've found the answer to the 'great hunger.' It was partially correct. There is great satisfaction in being used by God. It is a craving in every soul to make some sort of difference, good or even bad for those who hate Him. But it's taken me longer to properly diagnose more precisely what was going on. When on a mission trip...you are thinking of nothing except, Jesus, and your task at hand. There are no mundane worries, interruptions, and mindless busyness to distract you. Your busy, but there is purpose, focus...passion. Even that is not the secret though....the secret is how this purpose, focus and passion is acquired.


Matthew 6:33, "Seek me first, and all these things will be given to you."


I was spending more time with God seeking Him, asking His will, looking for His purpose. I had my mind on one thing. Jesus, and what He wanted of me. As the Lord met me in my secret place, I was filled. Only to go be poured out...that sense of satisfaction....to be emptied and then to be filled again, by Him. Nothing less than the presence of God himself. We drain ourselves with our daily lives, and if we're not spending quality time with Him getting filled, then we will fill the emptyness. And if we are serving without being filled with Him, this to will drain us. Jesus made a point to go off by himself to pray and be with the Father.
He said He only did what He saw the Father do. He was focused on that one thing, to glorify the Father and reveal Him to us.
I have learned that to focus on my 'one thing', Jesus, brings health to all area's of my life. Oh, it's a fight. I have habits from years of behavior. But more and more the things of life, pale in comparison to Jesus Christ, to seeking Him, enjoying His presence, and serving Him. I've experienced no sudden deliverance....it's just this slow process where He turns my eye's from worthless things. Time is short...whether I die or Jesus comes back, it's short. After committing to monthly retreats, morning study, worship, fasting, and just soaking at His feet, my desires are changing. Jesus in, garbage out. And He becomes the reward, not all the things the world looks for...recognition, praise, influence. We look for love, satisfaction, peace from so many dry wells, and broken cisterns. Human love, sex, money, education, position, prestige and power. And for Christians, the danger is even greater...we look for it in "good" things. Ministry, study, believing the right things and being "good". The great hunger....the thirst that we are desperately trying to satisfy is actually a gift within given by God and has one source of satisfaction. Jesus Himself.

The Shema that Jews recite says, "Hear O' Israel, the Lord your God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your Heart, with all your soul and all your strength. "

Jesus reiterated that this was the first and most important commandment. Only until we have that in place will we then fulfill the second, which is like it.

And you shall love your neighbor as yourself. When the first is in place...the others will be in place, because when we are in love with Jesus....our desires change. We love what He loves.

How do you fall in love? By spending time with Him and most importantly being loved by Him. (He loved us first! Say yes to Him, and receive it) Read His word...not to memorize and quote scripture....to amass knowledge, but to intimately know the One you say you believe in. Pray...talk to Him. He actually doesn't speak King James English. He's hip! Set apart time to worship alone...sing to Him...dance a little! Tell Him out loud, "I love you Jesus!!" Fast...fasting is violent love. It breaks off unbelief...the terminal disease of the spirit. And most important....just be with Him and listen. You'll have to fight the urges to "do" something, the wandering mind....boredom....restlessness. But if you persevere, I guarantee, your going to receive something you didn't know was possible.

DarDar

Mother Teresa said, "everyone should die a beautiful death." She would pick up people off the street, take them to her mission, bathe them, wrap them in a clean sheet, maybe feed them if they could eat, and hold them.
That's what I long for, for that back room at the Infirmary. A bath to make them feel better, a fresh clean bed, a full belly, and most of all someone to hold them and tell them how much God loves them, and that they can let go, and go home if they are ready.
DarDar was lying pretty much comatose after a major stroke the day before I got there. They had her covered with an old wool blanket, and she was left alone to die. Sylvia walked back to her bed with me, and we stood gazing at her for a moment. She said, "she's travelin". I thought, yes....that's very true. I sat on DarDar's bed much of the week, singing to her. Sylvia taught me a song about going home, that DarDar would know.
"I'll soon be done, with trouble and trials
When I get home, on the other side
I'm gonna shake the hands of my elders
Tell everybody good mornin
I'm gonna sit down beside my Jesus
I'm gonna sit down and rest a little while."
Some of the time I sang Amazing Grace.
Sometimes I just talked to her or prayed over her. I told her it was ok..she could go home. Prayed that the Lord would take any pain away in her last days. I could hardly stand to leave her. It just seemed so wrong for her to lay there alone. A child of God....the apple of His eye....uncared for. The matron told me she actually sipped some tea from a straw the next day! How powerful is even the tiniest gift of love! DarDar was alive when I left to come home to the states, and I made Sylvia promise to sing her home. DarDar went home a couple days later, and I'm glad. It wasn't an emotion I thought I would feel. But when you think of what she traded for her temporal life....it makes you happy!
I want to find where they bury the residents and take some flowers. I know they are not there, but they beg to be remembered in my mind. I want to remember them....especially since I know I'll be seeing them again.

Starving for attention

There is one very weak elderly lady in the back of the ward. The women's ward is two separate rooms, divided by a cubicle used as a sort of nursing station. There is a small bed in there to isolate patients that are ill. The front ward is full of ambulatory people who can more or less care for themselves. The back ward is for the bedridden, or those who need more assistance. The sicker you are, the farther back you get put. Most of the dying are in the end of this room. This lady, who also appears blind, if the milkiness of her eye's are any clue, is seated on an old metal chair at the end of her bed, but leaning over precariously, too weak to hold herself up. The cook brings lunch in old 5 gallon buckets. She dishes out to everyone waiting and gets bowls filled for the other residents who are bedridden. She stands in front of this lady, and taps her with the bowl several times. When she doesn't take it she just starts to walk away. I tell her to stop, I'll feed her. Evidently...if you can't feed yourself, you don't eat. In the bowl, is a broth of undetermined nature, with what looks like a half of potato, some meat slivers on what looks like a neckbone, and a couple of thick dumplings. I sit her up, and ask someone to get me a spoon. The Aid wanders away towards the kitchen, never to return. I start feeding her with my fingers, and as soon as the food touches her lips she startles me by gripping my hands with amazing strength, pressing the food into her mouth. She is so hungry, she is sucking my hands into her mouth! It's all I can do to pull away and get more out of the bowl, so desperate is she to eat. I wonder how long it's been? With no teeth, she gnaws on the potato mashing it with her gums, and tried hard to eat the dumpling but it is like shoe leather and simply won't separate. I think eventually she just swallowed the whole thing. I learned not to give her a drink out of a disposable cup, because she crushes it to her mouth trying to keep it from being taken away. These people tear my heart out. I'm used to state of the art nursing facilities. Clean, crisp bed linens. Soft fleeces for sore, bony hips and buttocks. I don't care that the sheets are old, really...but some were lying on old dresses or suits. One gentleman in the other building slept on a garbage bag filled with clothing for his pillow. Plastic in Jamaica heat!

The very first lady I had a real conversation with, was named Gwendolyn. She was in the back corner because she was sick. I knelt down to talk to her, and I prayed for her healing, and then buddy did she pray for me!!! But she was laying on a filthy mattress, about 3-4 inches thick, and her head was on a pillow covered in mildew. For a long time, I just wanted to buy equipment and things for the Infirmary. I just wanted to see them in a comfortable clean bed, with a clean fresh pillow. Nothing fancy. A hospital bed that could be raised up so that they could engage in life around them....change position for pete's sake! It just seemed so awful. What I know now, is that were you to ask them, they would tell you how grateful they are to have a bed, under a roof, protected from the elements, and any soup at all bad or good. They don't love it there....most have memories of something somewhat better anyway, but they are grateful. And in the light of their gratitude, I see my immense ingratitude. When is the last time I can remember being grateful for my bed..my pillow, a cold cup of water ....there is only 1 poor person in the room, and she's not the one in the moldy bed.

WHERE MY HEART IS

I decided after a few trips to Jamaica, that though I really enjoy the medical clinics with the Dr.'s and nurses, I feel most useful at the Infirmary. Someone is usually kind enough to go out of their way a little to drop me off there, while the others head out to the clinic for the day. To go up alone is a little intimidating. Most are, but not everyone, is friendly. One of the mission guests reported an abusive incident by one of the staff, and ever since then, I am looked upon with more suspicion it seems. I have carefully tried to build relationships with the staff, and when I bring food treats, I make sure they get some as well. We have had some staff retreats for educational and relational purposes, and to simply tell them we know what a tough job they have and how much it is appreciated. We really want to encourage them, in what is a very tough occupation. and is considered a job of very low status there. I tell them it is a Call of God. A job of the highest order.
I usually take up a couple of water coolers, and spend my day, making sure everyone gets a cup of water. Some patients are able to get water for themselves, and others who are bedridden can not. Sometimes when I take water to Princess she drinks 5,6,7 glasses if I let her. I don't know if she's that thirsty or afraid that she won't get anymore when I leave. I try to take enough to make 2 rounds through each of the wards. It takes all day to do that, and spend a moment with each person. I'm really looking forward to the time, God willing, I take a team up there and have many hearts and hands to work. Then I'll be able to focus more on each individual, and maybe have time to get to know them better, know their story's and talk about Jesus. I'm sure they have more to teach me about Jesus, than I have to teach them, that's for certain.
I was going from patient to patient one day, and suddenly just felt very disheartened. What was this accomplishing? I was changing nothing. Nothing was going to be any better the next day for these people, because I was there. As I was handing a cup of water to one woman, I hear in my spirit, "even a cup of cold water given in My name." The reference is Mark 9:41, where we are told that to give even a cup of water in Jesus name to His own, has a reward.
Well, I'm not looking for the reward, but if loving with a cup of water to His own pleases Him, it's not insignificant to Him, evidently. It's because we're trained to only look for the big things, not the small. Steve told me after this particular day, "you made their day better, today, because you were there. That's what you have to focus on."
One of the younger men when given his cup of ice water, took it gently in both hands and turning to the others said with a grin and a giggle, "it's SO COLD!"
Even now I want to cry when I think of that memory. Icewater! All it was, was icewater.
I may be there to serve, but it's me that's getting the lessons. My awareness of my poverty grows with each trip up that hill.
It makes me think of what Mother Teresa said to her hosts, when she received the Nobel Peace Prize. They had thrown her a lavish party, and when asked what she thought, she said" Never have I seen such poverty." (ouch)
Which just goes to show you, never try to dazzle with wealth, a nun who has taken a vow of poverty to serve the poor!
Rev. 3:17 - because you say, "I am rich and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing, and do not know that you are wretched, poor, blind and naked, I counsel you to buy from Me gold refined in the fire, that you may be rich, and white garments that you may be clothed, and the shame of your nakedness would not be revealed; and anoint your eye's with salve that you might see; as many as I love, I rebuke and chasten, be therefore zealous and repent."
Yes...Mama T had her eye's wide open. I like to think of her in heaven, with the people she served and loved. She sits with them, not with a crust of bread in poverty, but at the banqueting table of the Lord himself. She probably is thinking, "now THIS is a party!"

JUNGLE CHILD

There is a horrific story the matron told me about a younger man in the Infirmary. He is an amputee, with one leg gone below the knee. He seems about 30 yrs of age, and is very quiet and withdrawn.
It's told that he was just a wild child living in the jungle alone, evidently abandoned by his parents, which is not terribly uncommon, so I hear. He was stealing livestock, and they said, eating it raw. The villagers after some time, caught him, and holding him down, chopped off his leg with an axe so that he couldn't steal from them anymore.
The matron told me he is on medication for mental problems and evidently can at times get violent, when not on it. I look at him and wonder how life looks through those eyes. He seems detached...(an understatement)....or something I can't put my finger on. I've actually been afraid to approach him. Not because of his story, but because he appears to desire to be left alone. I want to respect that, but at the same time you sense his loneliness. I satisfy the urge with handing him extra snacks. Typical American "Jewish" mother....EAT! EAT! You'll feel BETTER!!!
And nothing but the love of Jesus could EVER make ANYTHING for this man better. Lord, look down on this violated child and have mercy. Show me how to love him.

MR. COOPER

One day, Margaret, one of the residents takes me over to the men's ward to meet her 'boyfriend', Mr. Cooper. A quiet, very thin gentleman, with a quick smile is introduced, and we quickly become friends. Mr. Cooper as a young man, came to the U.S. and lived in New York City for a few years. He found work, and told me that the people of my color treated him very well. He was making a living and happy except for one thing. His mother missed him so, and repeatedly begged him to return to Jamaica. Finally, over time, he couldn't stand her being so unhappy and returned home. It was not many years after that he fell off the roof of a building at work, and something heavy fell on top of him, hurting his back and legs permanently. He wonders what life would have been like had he stayed in the states, and wishes he had resisted his mother's plea's to come home. Although in almost constant pain, he does not complain. He stays mostly in a wheelchair, though he can stand and move a bit. I didn't even know he was in pain for a long time. What a difference from us Americans who whine and take medication for every ache or pain. We have been taught to swallow a pill for everything. Heaven forbid we suffer. While top medical care has been a benfit of our culture, I'm not sure it has always been beneficial if you know what I mean. This is one man, who I would love to bring a prescription to and alleviate the suffering. At least the physical kind.
He prays continually that the Lord heal him. He said, with a smile, if he was healed and could run, he would run right out the gate and down the hill from the Infirmary! He goes to church as often as someone will come pick him up. I often miss him, because he is out with somebody. He has much advice, both Godly and practical. It's hard to tear myself away from him, I enjoy talking with him so much. He is sharp, and I find that I can talk to him as a daughter would a father, not caregiver to patient. He quietly tells me out of Margaret's hearing that she is "not right in the head." But true to his kind nature, he treats her with respect and genteel humor. No wonder Margaret is in love! What a catch...

Men's Day at the Beach!

The next day, we take out the men to a different beach Marla has found. I confess I was nervous. I had never as of yet, visited the men's building. I was thinking of the nursing home I had worked in years ago, and some of the leacherous old men there. I couldn't have been farther from the truth. They were like old world gentlemen. Sweet, gentle and utterly respectful, extremely grateful for any small favor you gave them.
I think my heart was more touched by them than anyone else. We set them on the beach one by one. One older man walked out a ways and just dove in head first! He swam and swam and swam. We had a hard time getting him in for lunch on the beach. He explained later, that he had been a fisherman by trade, and had longed for the sea so much, but thought he never would return. It was such a sweet day for him. What a small thing to do, yet what an impact for him. You never know what God is doing when he sends you....you just have to go, and watch Him bless those around you, and in doing that your blessed even more. It almost seems selfish in some way. Just like in God's economy,there is no lack, to be poured out in service means, He is constantly pouring in. It is how we are designed to live and be fulfilled in this life.
Richard, whom I briefly introduced you to, was nervous about getting in the water and balked for quite a while. He teased and joked about it, but I could see he was genuinely nervous about the idea. We lured him in tossing a tennis ball. Yeah...it was underhanded, but it worked. Soon he was splashing in some shallow water, then he worked up the courage to hold hands and walk out a good distance from shore. The water stayed about waste deep even far out. He hollered and hooted, he was so proud to be walking in the water! After a while, when it was time to go it took some fast talking to get him out! Only many promises of bringing him back placated him enough to get him to return. One of my favorite pictures is of Marla sitting on the beach with the guys letting the waves roll in over them. I filmed most of the day, so ended up not participating as much. Finally, I couldn't stand just observing anymore and threw down the camera and went into the water with them. Now, whenever I go to the Infirmary, I spend as much time as I can in the men's ward. They are great fun, and many are very wise, and Godly men. Whatever circumstance brought them here, they seem to make the best of it, and are quick to smile and invite you to talk.

OFF TO THE BEACH!

We are going to the beach! This mind blowing idea has been announced by Marla Fitzwater, the director of ACE, (American Caribbean Experience) who is our host in Jamaica. Marla has wanted to take some of the residents of the Infirmary to the beach for a day of fun in the water and picnicking which has never been attempted before, I might add. Dr. Steve Guy said the salt water would kill bacteria on the skin also, which will be good for the various skin infections and problems. So we pack up a lunch, and go up the hill to pick up our gang for the day. It's mass confusion as usual, and no one is ready, so we round up as many as we can, cram them into vans, and set out. The beach is only about a half hour away. The residents we learn later, have not been out of the Infirmary since 1991. It seems impossible that you can live in Jamaica, a mere half hour from the water...you can see it from the hill in some spots, and not be able to go. We go to a beach, which is a pay beach, but the attendant lets us in for free when asked since these are residents of the Infirmary. The first group is ladies only. We urge them into the water. There is some trepidation at first. They probably have never been to the beach to just play maybe. One lady, strips naked and starts washing her clothes! In fact a couple of them want to take their clothes off. (after all why would one swim in one's clothes!) We quickly get them covered, as the attendant and his friends watch with some amusement. We throw a beach ball around, splash the ladies gently, and try to get them to play. One very feminine and ladylike elderly woman in an old frilly dress, sits down in about a foot of water, and arranges the skirt of her dress as it floats on top of the water. I look over and Sweetie, is peeing through her pants, bent over watching as it mingles with the ocean. Oh well...everyone is entitled to their own fun.

Yvonne, a Downs Syndrome adult who is always up for fun and games, wants me to take her out deeper. We walk out up to about my rib cage and her neck and look at a boat anchored in the small inlet. She tries to tell me something pointing at it like she wants to go out there. Maybe her family had a banana boat when she lived at home or something. I told her we couldn't swim out there, but she just kept gazing at the boat and jabbering a mile a minute. I wondered what she was thinking of...home? Family? Good memories? Finally she just gazes in silence. I feel sad at the look on her face for some reason. I guess "longing" might describe it.
We started playing in the water, and I was holding her on my lap and "motor-boating" her around in circles. First slow then real fast....she was grinning and giggling. Then she stretched out on her back kind of lying on my chest as I pulled her backwards through the water. She got so quiet I wondered if she was scared, so I leaned my head forward to see her face. She was lying peacefully, eye's closed. While I'm looking at her, I think to myself, "is she ok?", and in my heart I hear the Lord's voice say, "she feels safe, Lisa...she's happy."

I close my eye's and lean back in the water floating with Yvonne on my chest. I will never forget the God moment I had right then. The peace that entered my body and my mind and the utter fearlessness. I don't know but I think God was allowing me to feel what Yvonne felt, and I remember thinking, it would be ok, if I died right at that moment...I'm not sure why...it wasn't what I was doing, it was just being so at peace. I don't think I've ever felt like that before. If we could only live that way all the time! Utterly content where we are, but fearlessly ready to go at any moment. Now, when I think of that moment, I wonder, what I was holding in my arms that day...."for thereby, some have entertained angels unaware."
I think that's when I started realizing that I was the one to be pitied...not the residents. I had material blessings, resources and opportunities, but they had God, unhampered by those same blessings. They simply had Him.
(That evening I'm telling the story about what happened in the water and I can't believe it, but someone had taken a picture of that exact moment. I know the Lord did that for me...so I would never forget.)
We had our picnic lunch of egg salad sandwiches, which I confess made me nervous after sitting in the heat all morning, but I prayed, chewed and swallowed. On the way home, one of the ladies got car sick...very..car sick. Marla is soon pulling over quickly and getting out and losing her own lunch! We were highly entertained!!(Sorry Marla), and grateful it was her van and not ours! Some heroic volunteers got the mess cleaned up and we were on our way, delivering the ladies home happy and tired. The Aids said they slept very well that night...no kidding...so did I.

JAMAICA – Feb. 2007

THE INFIRMARY

The smell hit me as soon as I stepped out of the bus. Nauseating…overwhelming. It was in the air…in the patients breath…it permeated everything. I never figured out what it was.
It was like stepping onto another planet for me. You see things on TV…hungry children…third world disasters…but nothing prepares you to come face to face with the reality of real poverty.
I was immediately swarmed with smiling faces, all welcoming, happy to have a visitor. Richard greets me first. Richard is a developmentally challenged adult. A happy man, he shakes my hand over and over not wanting to let go. Lorraine is next, a big girl, she wraps her arms around me, and strangles me with a hug. Others say “mornin” with shy nods and smiles. An older women breaks into song and gets everybody going….”If you know the Lord is keepin’ you…what are you worried about, if you know the Lord is keepin’ you, why don’t you sing and shout! Glory, hallelujah, praise his name, everyday is just the same, if you know the Lord is keepin’ you, what are you worried about.”

The singer is Miss Sylvia. Her bible has the signatures of hundreds of visitors to the Infirmary, over the years. It is a well worn book, and I learn that she is an elder in her church. She takes me to meet Wilford, whom she baptized at one time. She says, “ I ‘boptize’ heem.” Wilford lovingly takes her hand and smiles up into her face.
This is the St. Mary’s Poor House..the last refuge of the poorest of the poor. Never has Matthew 25 come alive as it did the first day I went to what is locally called the Infirmary. These residents, embody what Jesus spoke about as “the least of these.”
After my first visit, I went back to camp and cried. It changes you. That’s a good thing. A "healing trauma," if you will. We need affliction....disruption to our life of comfort. Mike Bickle said" If your faith is not disrupting your life, you don't have faith."
These are the stories of those precious souls who live at the Infirmary and the amazing, enduring people of Jamaica. They are the Lord’s treasure in earthen vessels. Treasure hidden on a hill in Jamaica.

Miss Sylvia Cooks – One of the most gregarious of the women, and definitely a spiritual leader in this little community, Miss Sylvia quickly becomes a favorite. Always with a smile, a blessing and a praise on her lips, she greets us and promptly starts singing Jamaican Christian folk songs, and hymns. Her favorite song is “Because He lives.”
"Because he lives, I can face tomorrow…..because He lives, all fear is gone….because I know who has the future, and life is worth the living just because He lives."(Bill and Gloria Gaither, 1970)
Next comes Amazing Grace.
Amazing grace, how sweet the song, that saved a wretch like me….I once was lost but now I am found, was blind but now I see. ( John Newton, 1772)
“Praise de Lord,” she hollers. “Praise de Lord! Praise de Lord!” 3 times…always 3 times.
She escorts me around the women’s building talking a mile a minute. With no teeth and a heavy Jamaican accent, I catch about every 3rd or 4th word and kind of extrapolate from that what she’s talking about. When one of the ladies come up to me, she tells me “she’s wicked…she beats me.” I’ll talk about Sharon later, but she is a developmentally challenged adult that when angry or frustrated, hits and punches. Hard. I tell Miss Sylvia, that Sharon doesn’t mean to be wicked, but that she’s like a child in her mind and doesn’t know any better. I’m not sure Miss Sylvia buys that…but she pauses and looks at Sharon a moment. She was probably thinking, “yes, I know, but she’s MEAN!”

St. Mary's Poor House was built in 1895, and was established by the Queen of England, when Jamaica was still under British control. Each parish had one for the care of those who had no where else to go. Patients are there mostly of their own volition. They can come and go as they please. It's not a nursing home but a shelter. There is food, a bed, and basic medicine's. Most people stay until they die, and that above all it seemed to me, was what the place represented, a place to die. 2 years and six visits later, I realize how ignorant I was, and how blind.
There are many elderly and a few younger looking, like mid 30's and up. Mostly abandoned by family, some are also mentally ill, or handicapped. Some were found in the jungle and brought here by caring people. What I noticed was how those who were able, casually cared for those who were not. It was a family. A community. I had a lot to learn.

Princess - A young woman with what seems like cerebral palsy, unable to communicate, she speaks volumes with her smile and eye's. With no tilt chair available, she lays in bed, 24/7.
I ask one of the Aids her name, and she tells me she's called Princess. She lived at home with her mother, until her mother passed away. She has a sister who comes and sees her but must be unable to care for her needs. I am told she didn't used to be in the fetal position she's now in, and that she just suddenly quit interacting with staff. Depression is what I think to myself. She's developing contractures from lack of exercise and movement. In the beginning I didn't interact much with her, as it proved frustrating. Her repeated, "mwa,mwa, mwa" was indecipherable to me or anyone else it seemed. It was just one day while I was reading to her, and I looked up into her eye's that I really "saw" her. I "saw" Princess. She had this resigned look that seemed to say, "I wish you could see ME."
And that's just what I said. " I see you in there, " I smile. From then on I talked to her as I'm talking to you. Like the intelligent human being she was. She is one of the most helpless of the women. She can feed herself, but that is it. She cries sometimes. I imagine she misses the presence of a loving mother more than anything she lacks materially. And who knows what happens to her in the night...it's a horrifying thought, but one has to wonder about molestation in an unlocked, unattended at times, building full of helpless women.
Once when a church group came with a dinner for the residents, I was just walking around watching them eat as much as they wanted for a change. And also for a change, it was tasty, nutritious home cooked food, the best these good folks had to offer. The traditional Jamaican dinner of Jerk Chicken, Collaloo, Slaw, and peas and rice. (red beans and rice)It was so much fun watching them eat and enjoy their meal. Princess is digging in, and drinking cup after cup of juice. Next time I walk by, she's naked as a jay bird, and her bedding is being changed. I asked what happened, and they said she vomited. Princess, unselfconscious, happily grinned and waved at me. I thought...well how fun...Princess got to eat till she puked. How often does that happen here?

What's the One Thing???

Psalm 27:4

4 One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
(from New International Version)

Many years ago, my walk with God changed drastically. I left religion behind, and pursued a Person. A quest to gaze on the beauty of the man Christ Jesus. My search for intimacy with God through His Son Jesus has been quite the journey so far, but worth any cost in my humble opinion, although I must say, in the current time we live in and the future, the cost will become far greater than we can imagine. All we feel we have given up to pursue God will seem like nothing, most likely. I know He tells us to count the cost....I don't know if I have done that fully. I just have to try and be prepared for it to possibly mean "at the cost of everything". I just know I have set my face towards Him. I pray for help to finish my race.

I wish I had started this when I first went to Jamaica. Sometimes the jewels God gives you is forgotten and lost in the daily drama of life. I will journal the beginning of that adventure just to remind myself of the treasure I found there and to introduce some of the most precious people I know in this life. So off we go....