Joy and Pain

I was listening to Dear Younger Me, by Mercy Me. It got stuck on my phone and wouldn't advance so figured God was wanting me to pay attention. What caught my attention... " If I had known then, what I know now, the condemnation would have had no power My Joy my Pain would have never been my worth." What caught my attention was the word Joy. Or lack thereof. I had a friend who constantly said when she got something she wanted, "I'm so blessed." I had to grit my teeth. Christians are taught to do that. We think giving "glory to God" is pleasing to him. Here's my perspective. So the person struggling with depression..or the mother who lost a child...or the kid struggling at school...they aren't blessed? So what are they? Cursed? Is God mad at them? Ignoring them? Teaching them a lesson? I think Christians have just found a way to sanction their bragging, by giving him credit. Thank God in your closet. Make it a sweet moment between the two of you, instead of an occasion to make your neighbor wonder why God isn't blessing them. But I digress....how are we defined by joy? I understood being defined by pain. I'm familiar. But joy? Who wouldn't want to be defined by that?? I realized that's even worse....if we are defined by our levels of joy, what does it say when it's absent? What is wrong with the Christian who is not living in joy? It's an expectation that has landed on believers like flies on...well, you know what. When, oh when, will christians stop being fake? Let me see the day Lord. You know what? Life is hard. For everyone. Christians aren't magically protected. He never promised we would be. You can find scriptures and take them out of context and make them say that. But it's not true. He will be with you, and won't leave you. That you can count on. So lets reframe that. (Outside of consequences of stupid behavior) I can and might get cancer or some other life altering event that causes pain, or hardship or even death. It doesn't mean I'm not blessed. It doesn't mean God is trying to teach me something, or I'm cursed. It's not a spiritual attack. It's because I live in a broken world, full of sin and disease, that is slowly passing away. This isn't what God originally planned, or what he has prepared for us in the future. But it's right now. And if the worst happens, he will not leave me or forsake me. He will go through with me. Even to the end. He will not heal me if I find the right key, the right words, enough faith, enough prayers, the right prayers, a complete lack of doubt. He heals, so I ask. But it's not a statement of my spiritual health if it doesn't happen. Faith, is in a person, not outcomes. If my faith is in outcomes, it's not faith in God. My trust needs to be in Him and his love alone. I'm preaching to myself. Sometimes these things swirl around in my head, and writing them down helps me write them on my heart where I can cling to them in real life. I so don't want to teach anymore, but simply share my life, and listen to how God does it in others.

Existential Do Over

I've decided to have a do-over instead of a crisis. Or I guess, technically, I've already had the crisis. Or am in it. I don't know. Don't care. And I think some reframing is necessary. Western Christianity looks a lot like the Deuteronomy of ancient Judaism at times. Do good, get good, do bad get bad. But I see God trying to reframe how we view scripture. Don't freak out. Just think. Most Christians I know, view the New Testament through the lens of the old. They frame it through the ancient traditions and beliefs that Jesus died to change. They believe it's foundation is Judaism. The Foundation is a person. Not a religion. The Apostles and Paul himself, the Pharisee of Pharisee's did not live as observant Jews after meeting Jesus. In fact Paul called Peter on his crap when he was caught acting all Jewish with the Jews. I get that fear of disapproval. It's hard to fight, when it means people will write you off, talk bad about you, reject you. And we're talking men who lived with Jesus, while we're having to do it by faith. So if it was hard for them, why should I be ashamed? It simply speaks to the shaming, fear based principals used in religion to keep people in line and assimulating into a rigid belief system. I remember being afraid to be free...afraid nothing would censor my behavior. I would sin without care. Listen, love is a way better motivator than fear. The more I understand how loved I am...the less appeal sin has. I make mistakes. But I'm not looking for what I can get away with, or the loophole in the contract. And with love at my back, I can allow myself to make mistakes without condemnation. Wow...does that make life easier and better. So lets, for experiemental purposes reframe the Old Testament, and look at that through the lens of the New Testament. How would that influence your thought? How would it reframe your understanding of what your reading? This is how it has reframed my understanding. The Old Testament, while important, should be read primarily as a story, showing the arc of how God is interacting and loving humanity. He is often misunderstood by ancient cultures. He is patient with them, moving them along this arc in ways they are able to understand. They consistently ritualize their interaction with Him, instead of the personal relationship he wants to have, preferring intermediary's rather than being in too close proximity. Sound familiar? Sunday morning ritual, preachers telling you what he wants, who to serve, what to think. Will we ever learn? Fear, is what keeps them from him. Fear, is what kept Adam and Eve from running to him, after sinning, and hiding instead. Even David, in his love, creates a system, an elaborate one to somehow show God his love and honor him. To show his worth in the world. We somehow think God honored all these things. That it was what he wanted. And yet, no temple stands. I was in Jerusalem at the wailing wall once. I got my turn, and put a prayer in the cracks, something I regret participating in now, and my pack touched the wall. An old woman, angrily wiped off my touch, and kissed her hands. I wasn't offended. I understood her religious idea. But it's stone. It's not "holy". But they still want what they want. God to sanction them as HIS people, casting his approval, and theirfore blessing, and to have his power available again as it once was. Jesus wept over that city. And as he said...not one stone of that temple was left. It doesn't matter...they just chose what's left standing, the Western Wall, that was closest to the temple. Stubbornly clinging to their own understanding. Lets not do that. Lets not cling to what we know out of fear. Or because we want what we want.

The Pearl

I've been processing my life the last couple years. It's not been fun. I don't know if this is what mid life crisis feels like, but disillusionment and regret sum it up. I remember writing, "..why couldn't I be satisfied like everyone else, with going to church a couple times a week, serving there and going home and having a life. Why did I HAVE to KNOW God...not just be content to be with him.." I was driving a couple weeks ago and heard that familiar gentle if pithy voice. "So, you said you wanted to know me, no matter the cost, and now your mad because it cost you everything?" I'm so dull, many times I have entire conversations with him and don't realize it till it's over. But I was aware of what was happening. I was tempted to feel the old shame, and immediately knew that was not what he wanted, and indeed think he simply lifted it off. He wanted to process. Shame shuts that down. Which is why it's such an ineffective tool for behavioral change. So I decided to sit with him in that question. I do remember desperately wanting to know him. I'd been in church for 20-30 years total, and still didn't feel like I really KNEW him. I served him....constantly. I desperately wanted his attention and love and I wanted to love him more than anything. I thought giving up everything and serving him would be the path to the life I wanted. A deeply connected relationship with him. Fast forward and here I am at 60, horribly depressed about my life, though curiously at peace with God. How does that work?? Of course, 2 weeks down that road I'm still processing the question, but part of it has to do with approaching retirement age with what appears to be maybe some hardship. We were never really fully funded for mission work, so we weren't like professional missionaries fully funded and supported through a denomination. So we lost some retirement, but that's mostly been made up the last 5 years, but having to start over with a house payment, is hard. Most people have their home paid for, so they can live on fixed income a little easier. I never worked anywhere that gave retirement. I spend many years at home raising my kids, then owned my own business for 12 years before leaving for missions. It all suddenly seemed so foolish. Stupid. I never had the thought we would ever come home and live normal lives again. But here we are. Looking at a retirement that may be severly restricted, at least according to most of our age groups standards. No world travel....no yearly vacations possibly. No dreams left. That's the worst. And there are things I can't share here....hard things that drag my soul down and create misery. So I thought what was it all for? Did I only do it because I thought I would get blessed? Who knows...our hearts are such a mixture. All I can do is invite him into whatever sin, pain or shame I find. But I had to answer the question. Was I mad, because finding him cost me everything? No. I'm mad about a whole lot of things...but ultimately I got what I wanted. Him. It was always him. And there are depths to be plumbed I will never find in this lifetime. But I found the real Jesus. Not the Jesus of my parents...of any man's filter...of western Christianity, or Evangelical Christianity, of any religous filter....I found the man. And a Father whose heart was not rage, but love. I got the Pearl. It was worth selling all I had. Even if I have to sit in the consequences of buying it. So edit out that regret. I also realize, the way humans tend to frame life. Feels good, it's good. Feels bad it's bad. Not true. Maybe that's what midlife crisis is really about. Reframing your life. Figuring out what works, what doesn't. Being with those who love you, not convincing those who don't. Relaxing into the love of the Creator, instead of jumping through religous hoops to perform for him. It's a time of grace.