The Problem with Expectations

What do you do when people don't love you like you want them to? Unmet expectations can be such a booger.
Let me say first I'm not talking about toxic relationships, when one person is doing all the giving and the other all the taking. You have to determine if that is the case.
 Anyway...If it happens very often, in my brain loop...first starts maybe the sense of things not being fair. I'm an adult...I know life is not fair. But we usually expect those who love us to be our safe place. Our haven of love and fairness in a scary unfair world. And that they will love us as we love them. But their upbringing and world view though we love one another, and are in committed relationships is simply different and they may or may not "love" you as you want.
 So we descend in a spiral from hurt ( why don't they love me like I love and serve them)....to offense, (I'm being used or taken advantage of) to accusation, (they are selfish and don't love me as much as I love them) to possibly pushing that person away. (I'm done. I don't need this)
And all that could be true depending on the circumstances in toxic relationships. We have been in that situation in reality, several times, so that becomes the trigger later.
 But usually, it's just the product of people believing others think just like us. And no one...thinks just like you. No matter how much in common you have. We all are so unique, with no two having life experiences alike. Even siblings are massively different due to personality, and how each perceives the family dynamic and reacts to it.
I was reminded of all this during a conversation with a friend about expectations. And it triggered the memory of a conversation I had with the Lord, during one of my "mental spirals of relationship death."
He reminded me that when we depend and have confidence in His love, we are less needy of others. We do need love and support from our friends and family. But our expectations are not always helpful. In fact, in my experience, they pretty much shoot me in the foot.
He told me then, that if I would keep my eye's on Him, receiving His love, that I could simply receive what love my friend was able to give me and walk away and be ok. It may be all she has to give.  This way...we receive from others what they have to give, without creating a debt of love through expectation not being met, or trying to manipulate them to meet our needs.
We don't have nurturing skills if we aren't nurtured. We don't know how to be loyal if no one was ever loyal to us.  Relational skills are taught. So if your parents didn't have them....you aren't going to either. You have to learn them somewhere. We mature together through community. Family and friends and coworkers.
 I know when I remembered to just receive the love she was able to give me, let go of what she is not able to give, and let Jesus love fill up the gap...peace returned. The spiral stopped. What's not to love about that! Letting go of my expectations was a relief. It helped me manage my emotions better, and kept me from blowing up the relationship.
Again....if it's toxic, then it needs intervention. That is not the place to simply die to self.
But even then,  you always communicate better when your calm and and not under the pressure of anger and hurt. It's ok to say I don't like this, or dialogue about how your feeling. It's just better, and others hear better as well if we are calm.
But it's also of utmost value and importance to ask questions when disappointed or hurt. To not assume anything, because as I said....NO ONE thinks exactly like we do.
This is all something that has to be practiced. I still do it on occasion...the mental spiral. I'm getting quicker to recognize the trigger, and know that usually that's all it is...a trigger to something old...a hurt, or disappointment in my past. It's like shadow boxing. Nothing really there.
So keep your eye's on Jesus. Ask questions. Don't assume. Your in the spiral if your assuming anything...STEP AWAY FROM THE SPIRAL, LOL. Back up and go get some love from God. Remind yourself of the truth...You are completely and utterly loved by your Father. All unfairness in life is mitigated by His love, and his ability to make it work out for your good. So relax...He's got your back.