The Problem of Sin, Shame and Pain

I reveled in the love of God, with a grateful and happy heart until I was told by Christians how to be a "good" Christian. Thus, began a 33 year journey to get sin out of my life and more of God in.
I'm going to save somebody a whole lot of pain and suffering here....so listen up. You can't GET any more of God, than you already have. What the cross accomplished was complete. So stop.
What's more, he never expected you to fix yourself and THEN he would come be with you, or give you some sort of spiritual promotion. He is with you. Utterly. Good or bad.
I was recently listening to a podcast which gave the suggestion, instead of trying to fix myself, invite God into my sin, shame and pain.
I had the thought..."why would he want to be with me there?"
Ewww.....what's that smell.....religion!!!!!
Our God is a relational Father. Of course he wants to be with you as you struggle to let go of all that keeps you from being you. I'm convinced he loves this process!
I had been fighting my battles pretty much alone my entire spiritual lifetime. I prayed as an orphan, begging God to strengthen me...help me...heal me.
Well...he can do those things...but what I think he really wants, is to hold hands and go through together. We want miracles, he wants relationship. We want power, he wants us to experience his love.
So on a long drive one day, I invited God into every area of sin, shame and pain I could think of. Every thing I have struggled with personally, every impossible situation that can't be "fixed", all that I have carried through life thinking it was my responsibility to find answers with my due diligence. And I let go of it....I admitted defeat.
When I was done, I was exhausted.
I was in the midst of some very deep depression, and it did not lift. That didn't seem right...but I decided to try and rest and trust anyway.  I don't know how much time passed ...maybe a week or two, before I became acutely aware of his presence with me. I also realized he was just being with me. Not asking me to be grateful....joyful...all the Christian answers to depression...but just loving me and being with me. As I relaxed into that love, over time...I began to feel better. I did not have to perform in order to get his help. Peace settled, even in the midst of the depression! That makes NO sense! But it's the way it has been. Just love.  I'm not being stirred up emotionally to "feel" his love....it's his experiential love completely apart from me and anything I do. I hope as I learn, I will find language to articulate better what I only sense for the most part. I wasn't reading my bible, or studying ( up until about a month ago, I hadn't read or studied for about two years, and I'm barely reading now..) I haven't been worshipping, I don't go to church. To the outside eye...I'm doing nothing "right." But I had 35 years of "right" that brought no lasting heart change. I've decided as far as I am humanly able, to let God be God and trust.
I didn't realize how tired I was. How disillusioned. Disappointed. Sad. And yes, at times angry. There is a place for that.
Now...I feel at peace and a feeling of maybe what it felt like to lean back on Jesus shoulder as John did. I still have depression some days...but I'm rolling with it, and he is with me. I'm going to be ok. We're all going to be ok.
Relax. He has you. Experiment with that. Let go of the fear, and relax. But don't believe me....ask Him.