Offenses against God

Last night, I set my heart to ask the Lord what "strongholds" I had left. (fortified areas of thought, that exalts itself above the knowledge of God) I had begun to be aware that I had many. We had worshipped and been prayed for some and went to our seats to rest and wait on the Lord. Wes began calling out something about healing, and the Lord instantly reminded me of Kenna. I had just been talking to Gwen earlier in the day because I was struggling with the IHOP practice of asking for healing for everyone. I just didn't have the faith for it. My argument always was that we live in a fallen world, with the all the effects of that, and that our bodies are wasting away from the time we are born. When I pray for healing, I feel no real faith attached and that bothered me. It made me just not want to pray for people.
I'm sitting there letting the Holy Spirit take me through the times I prayed for healing, really believing, and the loved one's that died. Kenna primarily, her baby, a friend with cancer, my mom's pastor....and He revealed that I was offended at God. I had asked, with faith, and He didn't show up. Just Kenna dying, so young, with no real joy in life was a huge offense. I'm not sure if I've made inner vows or not about this. I can't remember saying anything like, "I will never pray for healing again", but I'm not sure...sometimes our thoughts and the intents of our hearts are so hidden. (God takes vows very seriously, and we can really cause a logjam in our spirits with them. They need to be repented of and renounced. For me, it caused a huge area of unbelief and cynicism for healing)
But last night, my heart broke for my accusation against God, the unjustness of that, and I just began weeping and weeping, repenting. He is so good, and His thoughts are so much higher than my thoughts, His ways higher than mine. It's really ridiculous that we do this, but it's a lack of understanding of His love and His passion for His people that leads us to make wrong conclusions, when hard things happen that we can't understand. I still don't understand, but I know Jesus, and He is trustworthy. He's proved His love.