I was in lay pastor ministry in the early 90's. Compassion/Mercy being my first spiritual gift, it seemed like the natural thing really. And I loved it..in the beginning. But as I met with care receivers I was assigned to, week after week, I began to grow impatient. I heard the same thing every week. The person I was meeting with went home unburdened, but nothing changed. I began to realize they didn't want to. And I started to get aggravated. I was shocked at my impatience. Where was my compassion? I began to feel pressure in my spirit. Subtle at first, it began to increase. I began to get really uncomfortable over time, and finally one day, as I was pacing in my house crying out to God, I was literally backed into a corner in my kitchen. It was like God's big thumb cornered me and pressed down. I heard in my heart, "your righteousness is as a filthy rag."
I knew that was in the bible somewhere. I found it. Isaiah 64:6 - For all of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a filthy rag...and all of us wither like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away.
I was shocked. I thought my ministry work was a Holy thing, a gift to the Lord. I didn't understand. I remember at the time, immediately after that crushing blow, I felt His love like I never had before. Later, that taught me to not fear the Lord's discipline. He poured out equal portions of love with His correction, so I was not utterly crushed by the revelation of my real motives. He showed me that I was serving in lay pastor ministry to get MY needs of being needed met. The ugly truth was, I felt just a wee bit superior when I was "helping" someone. And if that isn't enough to gag you, He showed me there was no real love at all for others, but it was a manifestation of love for myself, and a way to be in control.
When I saw all that, standing there with my head down, I thought...."who on earth can be saved." If my sin was so mixed in with my offerings to God, what could a person possibly do that was righteous? I was really mixed up with the grace of salvation, and works. But on the heel of those thoughts came the words into my heart, "with God, all things are possible." Jesus reference to the rich young ruler whose selfishness kept him from following Jesus.
The next thing I heard changed the course of my life forever. I'm not sure if it wasn't audible, although I think it was only spoken into my heart, but it was so loud and so clear, I've wondered ever since.
"Lay your desires, your ambitions and your dreams on the altar of sacrifice and I will have a feast for you there."He spoke to me telling me to go to 1 Corinthians 3:12-15. Just like that...1 Corinthians 3:12.....Now, if any man builds on the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay and straw, each man's work will become evident; for the day will show it because it is to be revealed with fire, and the fire itself will test the quality of each man's work. If any man's work which he has built on it remains he will receive a reward. If any man's work is burned up, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through the fire.I had this mental picture of myself shooting cartoon style, feet first, into heaven, patting the flames out on my behind! I didn't want to come to the Lord like that...I wanted to hear, "well done good and faithful servant!"
I asked the Lord right then, "can you burn up what is not of you now so that I don't suffer this loss later?"
Well....I like to say the answer was a FLAMING "Yes!!!"
I've been smelling smoke ever since.
I studied the altar in the temple where they sacrificed the animals. Part of the sacrifice was God's but there was also feasts, where the people shared in the meat that was cooked and partied! Now that had the ring of a promise to it! I felt a peace in my spirit and knew that God had something better than my dreams and ambitions. I remember having the image in my head of a contract. It was blank, and the Lord was asking that, in trust, I sign the contract giving Him complete control as to my future and destiny. I was giving up my rights to pursue what I wanted and exchanging it for His dreams, His ambitions and His desires. In my minds eye, I signed that contract, shaking a little... but I said yes.
Thus began, what I call, the "Great Wait" on God.
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