Self : The gift that keeps on giving....ugh.

New level of self found. Since getting free of religious obligation, my journey to learning to live loved has been more joyful in some ways, and harder in others. Definitely more lonely...because I'm not joining in institutional groups, and filling time with the business of institutional life, nor am I in home groups, or spending much time with the tribe I became associated with. My time with my "church" (read believers, because that is what the church is) is solely in the Lord's hands as he leads, along with "ministry" (*what I call the M word now, look below for explanation) as well. For two years, I've obsessed with finding people who are on the journey I'm on, because they understand, and I can be myself with them, without fear of judgement or constant correction. A friend told me to not worry about finding people to share my journey with, but to find those who journey I can listen to. It felt like the old institutional rebuke, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!! I wanted to come out swinging a little...when is it ever going to be about me?? When do I get ministered to??? But as I felt the "tell" of my emotional response to that, I paused to think with the Lord for a bit. And once again...I see mySELF. Trying to meet my own need. Jesus is all about me. And you. But I can't look for that in other human's. Number one...I will use them to meet my need, whether it's loneliness, or feeling useful. Making "me" feel good. Number 2, I'm apt to misinterpret what I really need when I am operating out of feelings. It's not trust. It's the opposite. So inviting him back into my loneliness. Back into my needs, trusting he knows better than I do what they really are. Back to peace. Ahhh....