I reveled in the love of God, with a grateful and happy heart until I was told by Christians how to be a "good" Christian. Thus, began a 33 year journey to get sin out of my life and more of God in.
I'm going to save somebody a whole lot of pain and suffering here....so listen up. You can't GET any more of God, than you already have. What the cross accomplished was complete. So stop.
What's more, he never expected you to fix yourself and THEN he would come be with you, or give you some sort of spiritual promotion. He is with you. Utterly. Good or bad.
I was recently listening to a podcast which gave the suggestion, instead of trying to fix myself, invite God into my sin, shame and pain.
I had the thought..."why would he want to be with me there?"
Ewww.....what's that smell.....religion!!!!!
Our God is a relational Father. Of course he wants to be with you as you struggle to let go of all that keeps you from being you. I'm convinced he loves this process!
I had been fighting my battles pretty much alone my entire spiritual lifetime. I prayed as an orphan, begging God to strengthen me...help me...heal me.
Well...he can do those things...but what I think he really wants, is to hold hands and go through together. We want miracles, he wants relationship. We want power, he wants us to experience his love.
So on a long drive one day, I invited God into every area of sin, shame and pain I could think of. Every thing I have struggled with personally, every impossible situation that can't be "fixed", all that I have carried through life thinking it was my responsibility to find answers with my due diligence. And I let go of it....I admitted defeat.
When I was done, I was exhausted.
I was in the midst of some very deep depression, and it did not lift. That didn't seem right...but I decided to try and rest and trust anyway. I don't know how much time passed ...maybe a week or two, before I became acutely aware of his presence with me. I also realized he was just being with me. Not asking me to be grateful....joyful...all the Christian answers to depression...but just loving me and being with me. As I relaxed into that love, over time...I began to feel better. I did not have to perform in order to get his help. Peace settled, even in the midst of the depression! That makes NO sense! But it's the way it has been. Just love. I'm not being stirred up emotionally to "feel" his love....it's his experiential love completely apart from me and anything I do. I hope as I learn, I will find language to articulate better what I only sense for the most part. I wasn't reading my bible, or studying ( up until about a month ago, I hadn't read or studied for about two years, and I'm barely reading now..) I haven't been worshipping, I don't go to church. To the outside eye...I'm doing nothing "right." But I had 35 years of "right" that brought no lasting heart change. I've decided as far as I am humanly able, to let God be God and trust.
I didn't realize how tired I was. How disillusioned. Disappointed. Sad. And yes, at times angry. There is a place for that.
Now...I feel at peace and a feeling of maybe what it felt like to lean back on Jesus shoulder as John did. I still have depression some days...but I'm rolling with it, and he is with me. I'm going to be ok. We're all going to be ok.
Relax. He has you. Experiment with that. Let go of the fear, and relax. But don't believe me....ask Him.
Saturday, September 30, 2017
Metanoeo'
Matthew 4:17 Jesus began to proclaim his message with these words: "Keep turning away from your sins and come back to God, for heaven's kingdom realm is now accessible." TPT
I'm no scholar. But Brad bought me a computer bible program a long time ago that gave me every biblical resource you could want, and to my utter delight, I found the Interlinear bible. To be able to translate any word directly from the Greek or Hebrew as it is written in the document, with nothing added for sentence structure and readability, was to me a big AHA!
It changes things....because when you are listening to platform ministry...if those people aren't doing their due diligence...you may be getting not just a poor interpretation but a false teaching all together.
While we say the Bible is the infallible word of God....man's interpretations of it do not fall into that category. Not every interpretation is valid.
So when someone says..CLEARLY....the word of God says....heads up! Because your about to possibly get an opinion, or rhetoric, or worse. (I am finding that real students of the word and those who have become free of the "system" don't usually do that anymore....demand others believe what we are saying. There are some very clear things in the bible...I believe that. But there is room for the full spectrum of God's DNA to express itself as well. Religion at its worst fears questioning the word. I'm not afraid, because I know my Father, and he is glad to answer those questions and isn't offended at all.
So In other words....just think. I recently relearned how to think....it takes some energy. It's easier listening to men.
Sit in 1 John 2:27 a minute.
"But the wonderful anointing you have received from God is so much greater than their deception and now lives in you. There's no need for anyone to keep teaching you. His anointing teaches you all that you need to know, for it will lead you into truth not a counterfeit. So just as the anointing has taught you, remain in him." TPT
He's got you.
All that to prepare the way for the word Metanoeo'. Repent.
I was taught that repent meant, acknowledging your sin, making a decision not to do it again.....(good luck with that in the old nature) and turning to God for cleansing of it.
In reality, I think it's about a decision to think differently. An invitation to ask Abba what he thinks, and an opportunity to change my mind and allow love to have its way a little deeper. I'm not sure that Mr. King James gave such a great interpretation on that word. Penitence carries with it the idea that we should be expressing remorse....sorrowing....demonstrating in some way that we understand how wrong we are, and how right God is. It sounds good doesn't it? But Jesus hasn't died yet....there isn't a savior or salvation to accept yet....I think he is paving the way for them to begin to think outide the religious system they were under which is you pay for your sins with sacrifices and offerings. I think he was saying....turn away from the system and here I am in your midst...I'm at hand. God has come to live with you so you really know who he is.
I'm not saying sin away without feeling regret. It's not about that at all. I'm saying turn from a system to a relationship. Christianity has become another religious system. It's Christian Judaism.
(Oh no she didn't!!!!!)
Tell me....why out of 613 commandments do we only pay attention to a few? Oh, we're not under the law? Then why do you tithe 10%...or more. That wasn't what the early church did. They simply became a family and held everything in common. You weren't compelled to give. You gave as you saw need.
Now we have brick and mortar to maintain. Electric bills and programs, expensive sound systems, and employees. Bookstores and coffee shops. It's the temple all over again. You have to pay to get well.
Again...God works through our imperfect little selves. If it works for you, stay and enjoy it. I'm actually happy when people are able to do that. But don't be afraid not to do that if you aren't thriving.
The "church" is people. Not a building.
For me...I can't deal with the agenda anymore. We love you in order to get you to say a prayer and join us, and then you can be as miserable as the rest of us who have to fix ourselves. Yay!!!
Doesn't sound like good news to me.
How about if we just throw love around more indiscriminately!!! Oooooo.....
But what if their....SINNERS! All the more fun! They will never expect the church to LOVE them! Who does that!? SURPRISE SINNERS!!!!
I'm in a grand experiment. I'm going to just love. Not in order to get them saved. Because in my heart...I know, when people experience real love without manipulation...agendas...eventually, they will know I have a secret weapon and ask me for it, or God will simply break in just like he did for me in my living room, 36 years ago. Jesus was the express image of God, and we are the image of Christ in the world.
I don't ever want anyone to feel like a project. How demeaning is that? I will make a friend. Where that goes is up to the Father, not me.
I'm not looking for people to love either....God will bring them across my path when he's good and ready, and I have enough family and friends to love in the meantime, that I don't love nearly well enough now. What?? My mom and dad are my congregation? My family? My friends? My co workers? The Dr. who cares for me...the lady who cuts my hair? The guy who mows my lawn???
They are all my congregation. And those that don't deserve it in your religious book? Love THEM the HARDEST. Don't make them a project. Make a friend and let love speak.
I'm no scholar. But Brad bought me a computer bible program a long time ago that gave me every biblical resource you could want, and to my utter delight, I found the Interlinear bible. To be able to translate any word directly from the Greek or Hebrew as it is written in the document, with nothing added for sentence structure and readability, was to me a big AHA!
It changes things....because when you are listening to platform ministry...if those people aren't doing their due diligence...you may be getting not just a poor interpretation but a false teaching all together.
While we say the Bible is the infallible word of God....man's interpretations of it do not fall into that category. Not every interpretation is valid.
So when someone says..CLEARLY....the word of God says....heads up! Because your about to possibly get an opinion, or rhetoric, or worse. (I am finding that real students of the word and those who have become free of the "system" don't usually do that anymore....demand others believe what we are saying. There are some very clear things in the bible...I believe that. But there is room for the full spectrum of God's DNA to express itself as well. Religion at its worst fears questioning the word. I'm not afraid, because I know my Father, and he is glad to answer those questions and isn't offended at all.
So In other words....just think. I recently relearned how to think....it takes some energy. It's easier listening to men.
Sit in 1 John 2:27 a minute.
"But the wonderful anointing you have received from God is so much greater than their deception and now lives in you. There's no need for anyone to keep teaching you. His anointing teaches you all that you need to know, for it will lead you into truth not a counterfeit. So just as the anointing has taught you, remain in him." TPT
He's got you.
All that to prepare the way for the word Metanoeo'. Repent.
I was taught that repent meant, acknowledging your sin, making a decision not to do it again.....(good luck with that in the old nature) and turning to God for cleansing of it.
In reality, I think it's about a decision to think differently. An invitation to ask Abba what he thinks, and an opportunity to change my mind and allow love to have its way a little deeper. I'm not sure that Mr. King James gave such a great interpretation on that word. Penitence carries with it the idea that we should be expressing remorse....sorrowing....demonstrating in some way that we understand how wrong we are, and how right God is. It sounds good doesn't it? But Jesus hasn't died yet....there isn't a savior or salvation to accept yet....I think he is paving the way for them to begin to think outide the religious system they were under which is you pay for your sins with sacrifices and offerings. I think he was saying....turn away from the system and here I am in your midst...I'm at hand. God has come to live with you so you really know who he is.
I'm not saying sin away without feeling regret. It's not about that at all. I'm saying turn from a system to a relationship. Christianity has become another religious system. It's Christian Judaism.
(Oh no she didn't!!!!!)
Tell me....why out of 613 commandments do we only pay attention to a few? Oh, we're not under the law? Then why do you tithe 10%...or more. That wasn't what the early church did. They simply became a family and held everything in common. You weren't compelled to give. You gave as you saw need.
Now we have brick and mortar to maintain. Electric bills and programs, expensive sound systems, and employees. Bookstores and coffee shops. It's the temple all over again. You have to pay to get well.
Again...God works through our imperfect little selves. If it works for you, stay and enjoy it. I'm actually happy when people are able to do that. But don't be afraid not to do that if you aren't thriving.
The "church" is people. Not a building.
For me...I can't deal with the agenda anymore. We love you in order to get you to say a prayer and join us, and then you can be as miserable as the rest of us who have to fix ourselves. Yay!!!
Doesn't sound like good news to me.
How about if we just throw love around more indiscriminately!!! Oooooo.....
But what if their....SINNERS! All the more fun! They will never expect the church to LOVE them! Who does that!? SURPRISE SINNERS!!!!
I'm in a grand experiment. I'm going to just love. Not in order to get them saved. Because in my heart...I know, when people experience real love without manipulation...agendas...eventually, they will know I have a secret weapon and ask me for it, or God will simply break in just like he did for me in my living room, 36 years ago. Jesus was the express image of God, and we are the image of Christ in the world.
I don't ever want anyone to feel like a project. How demeaning is that? I will make a friend. Where that goes is up to the Father, not me.
I'm not looking for people to love either....God will bring them across my path when he's good and ready, and I have enough family and friends to love in the meantime, that I don't love nearly well enough now. What?? My mom and dad are my congregation? My family? My friends? My co workers? The Dr. who cares for me...the lady who cuts my hair? The guy who mows my lawn???
They are all my congregation. And those that don't deserve it in your religious book? Love THEM the HARDEST. Don't make them a project. Make a friend and let love speak.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
Nope.
Ok....this may be a great book for another time. I love brain science. It facinates me! It's just so cool how God made the brain, and how relationship in particular, affects it. But this book seems to be making me get all up in my head in an analytical way that is not good. It's pulls me back into wanting to "fix" myself. Holy Spirit won't let me have that job no matter how hard I've tried in the past.
So I'm dumping it. I need to live loved in the Father and be patient with His timing and process.
So I'm turning my face towards the invitation to journey with him in rest and love once again.
Whew! That was a close one!!
So I'm dumping it. I need to live loved in the Father and be patient with His timing and process.
So I'm turning my face towards the invitation to journey with him in rest and love once again.
Whew! That was a close one!!
Saturday, June 10, 2017
The Perfect You has arrived.
I gotta say...I hate the title. I almost didn't want to read it because of that title. I'm sick of our worlds preoccupation with perfection. Especially the church. However....I think she means it in the way that God created you very purposefully, to reflect a piece of his own DNA in the world. In that sense...there is a wholeness to grow into, to display that vision he had when he created you.
This isn't like our parents expectations. He isn't looking at your "potential." More like, he knows how he wired you, and what will bring you joy, satisfaction, and significance, he wants to help you walk away from lesser things to fuller. It has nothing to do with love and approval. NOTHING.
THIS IS ALL FOR YOU.
That said...in the prologue...I thought an interesting question was How can you reflect his glory if you cannot see it in you?
Do we need to see it? After taking multiple personality tests....gifts tests....strengths tests....over the years, I'm not sure how much help or change they brought. Maybe this is different. I'm open to changing my mind.
I'm just me. That was a revelation 3 years ago, in the midst of people who wanted me to be someone else. God made what he liked. And he was asking me to grow up, not change who I was. But I utterly lost myself, amidst bad theology, people with an agenda, my own insecurities and an image of Jesus through others filters.
If you had babies....remember how their little personalities began to emerge? We want them to be who they are, but sometimes we might put pressure on them to move in directions they aren't suitable for. Then when they don't quite fit in the box, we might pressure them to be different so they will fit.
From the book:
"Our Perfect You operates -that is, it is unlocked- in environments of love. Love changes the physical nature around all 75-100 trillion cells of our bodies and gives us the courage to face and deal with blocks and locks of our Perfect You. When we learn to focus on our God, who is love, and what he says about us, we learn how to embrace our unique identity and discover who we truly are in him."
I can agree that love changes everything. Living loved in your Father, will change your life.
This isn't like our parents expectations. He isn't looking at your "potential." More like, he knows how he wired you, and what will bring you joy, satisfaction, and significance, he wants to help you walk away from lesser things to fuller. It has nothing to do with love and approval. NOTHING.
THIS IS ALL FOR YOU.
That said...in the prologue...I thought an interesting question was How can you reflect his glory if you cannot see it in you?
Do we need to see it? After taking multiple personality tests....gifts tests....strengths tests....over the years, I'm not sure how much help or change they brought. Maybe this is different. I'm open to changing my mind.
I'm just me. That was a revelation 3 years ago, in the midst of people who wanted me to be someone else. God made what he liked. And he was asking me to grow up, not change who I was. But I utterly lost myself, amidst bad theology, people with an agenda, my own insecurities and an image of Jesus through others filters.
If you had babies....remember how their little personalities began to emerge? We want them to be who they are, but sometimes we might put pressure on them to move in directions they aren't suitable for. Then when they don't quite fit in the box, we might pressure them to be different so they will fit.
From the book:
"Our Perfect You operates -that is, it is unlocked- in environments of love. Love changes the physical nature around all 75-100 trillion cells of our bodies and gives us the courage to face and deal with blocks and locks of our Perfect You. When we learn to focus on our God, who is love, and what he says about us, we learn how to embrace our unique identity and discover who we truly are in him."
I can agree that love changes everything. Living loved in your Father, will change your life.
Thursday, June 1, 2017
It's always an inside job.
I can barely watch the news. A friend and I were talking about how we were taught in school...to examine current events, read newspaper articles, talk about them. Of course that was in the day when news was reported. Not made up. Not spun to favor one side or another. Not shaded, or broken sound bites made into a conversation. Back in the day when we were all taught to think, not told what to believe.
I know it was present in other ways...the zeitgeist....predjudice...segregation, for one. I'm not saying life was perfect or even better. I'm just saying, there was still something called journalism. Where you gave me the facts, and I was trusted to make up my mind about those facts.
And Christian news is no different. Don't fool yourself. There is some deep confusion about what is religion and what is patriotism. The extreme right has confused their politics with their faith. Talk about a dead system. Really...the answer is to make Jesus a Republican? The other side, the so called extreme left is equally delusional. But that's because what we see in the news IS the extremes. It's manipulation.
But neither of those extremes have to represent us. Or control us. Refuse the brand. Love each other anyway. The real American spirit is not to champion our idea of whomever is the current popular underdog....or to demand MY rights.
My real point is...and yes, I have one....that change is always an inside job. There is nothing these people represent that will bring lasting change to this country. Because it isn't realized in programs, strategies, or everyone gathering on one side or the other.
We forgot unity. In the midst of diversity....their should be unity. Not conformity....unity. Unity doesn't come from a set of beliefs. It should come from love. (A higher priority than rights.) Unity can be a vehicle for love when people are vastly different from one another. It's the true tolerance. It means there is a higher calling than our differences. The call to love is every single human beings call. I realize this isn't simple. We are so far down this road, I don't see us coming back from it until Jesus comes back. But I...I can choose love. In the end, that's all I have control over. It's an inside job.
I know it was present in other ways...the zeitgeist....predjudice...segregation, for one. I'm not saying life was perfect or even better. I'm just saying, there was still something called journalism. Where you gave me the facts, and I was trusted to make up my mind about those facts.
And Christian news is no different. Don't fool yourself. There is some deep confusion about what is religion and what is patriotism. The extreme right has confused their politics with their faith. Talk about a dead system. Really...the answer is to make Jesus a Republican? The other side, the so called extreme left is equally delusional. But that's because what we see in the news IS the extremes. It's manipulation.
But neither of those extremes have to represent us. Or control us. Refuse the brand. Love each other anyway. The real American spirit is not to champion our idea of whomever is the current popular underdog....or to demand MY rights.
My real point is...and yes, I have one....that change is always an inside job. There is nothing these people represent that will bring lasting change to this country. Because it isn't realized in programs, strategies, or everyone gathering on one side or the other.
We forgot unity. In the midst of diversity....their should be unity. Not conformity....unity. Unity doesn't come from a set of beliefs. It should come from love. (A higher priority than rights.) Unity can be a vehicle for love when people are vastly different from one another. It's the true tolerance. It means there is a higher calling than our differences. The call to love is every single human beings call. I realize this isn't simple. We are so far down this road, I don't see us coming back from it until Jesus comes back. But I...I can choose love. In the end, that's all I have control over. It's an inside job.
The New Nature
Not just a cleansing of the old....Not a reboot.....no, no....this is a whole new operating system, as a friend just described it. Not just a do over. I was in the institutional church for over 30 years and did not get this foundational truth. Why is that? Because it has been lost....to our detriment. Professional ministry creates a system that needs hurting people to buy a product to get well. Sermons, books, counseling.....not saying those things are inheritantly bad.....but oh...I think we can see Balaam at work here. Ministry for money. God loves us, is patient....good...He works through imperfect people, and imperfect systems. Indeed....what else does He have?! If you find the perfect church gathering, let me know, and above all, don't join it, you will ruin it!!!! (Levity folks.....lighten up.)
I know, I know. I am going to get a spanking for talking smack about the church. Well....I am the church. Not that building you go to on Sunday mornings. That, is an institution. Or just brick and mortar.
I think God is doing something new, and our understanding is about to change. And I am not talking the politically correct change that is currently happening in the American Institutional gathering. No, this a change back to something that is both timeless and ancient. The 1st century church had it. It was life in the Spirit. The real deal. Completely relational...to both God and man. Living loved in the Father....the true starting point for all transformation.
I know, I know. I am going to get a spanking for talking smack about the church. Well....I am the church. Not that building you go to on Sunday mornings. That, is an institution. Or just brick and mortar.
I think God is doing something new, and our understanding is about to change. And I am not talking the politically correct change that is currently happening in the American Institutional gathering. No, this a change back to something that is both timeless and ancient. The 1st century church had it. It was life in the Spirit. The real deal. Completely relational...to both God and man. Living loved in the Father....the true starting point for all transformation.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Book launch for Dr. Carolyn Leaf
In a bit, I will be taking this to a whole different blog platform, but for now will try to keep up, and update things. I applied, and was included in a book launch for Dr. Carolyn Leaf, a fairly well known Neuroscientist, who has a tv show on Christian tv.
I have never read any of her books, or watched her show. A friend actually recommended one of her books..but have followed the thought/brain science thing quite a bit and found it pretty fascinating. While I no longer am looking for a way to "fix" myself, (no more hoop jumping for this girl!) to me it confirms that God is THE scientist, and how beautifully complex we are. And how, we need not be afraid of anyone scrutinizing or challenging our faith...in the end, the truth will become plain, if not simple.
But again, I have not read or listened yet to anything other than a Vimeo blurb, so the jury will be out until I examine with Holy Spirit, what she says. I will be reading and commenting on the book through my eyes alone....if anyone wants to join me, it would certainly help give me added perspective possibly, and if nothing else, we may have some really encouraging conversation.
At 57, I find myself finally, at peace, secure in my intimacy with God, simply receiving love, vs trying to reach for it or him. This came through hearing his voice amidst the clamor that has become western Christianity, and "choosing" to step off the cliff into His love. Yes...there is sin...there is all manor of evil in the world...this is not "greasy grace" ( for the record...that probably doesn't mean what you think it means if you have been taught you must straighten up and fly right for God to love you)...it's the starting point God chose. Because of the Cross, we get to be free to go back to love's garden and without fear, just be. He never left us...our guilt and shame caused us to run from him. That is where I lived in my 30 years of trying to follow Jesus...trying to get closer even as I am running away!!! But he sees our hearts! And he is patient! Hoo boy!!!...Is he patient!!!
Wanna come play in my garden with me? If it gets boring, we will just move on. YES!!! WE CAN DO THAT TOO!!!!
I have never read any of her books, or watched her show. A friend actually recommended one of her books..but have followed the thought/brain science thing quite a bit and found it pretty fascinating. While I no longer am looking for a way to "fix" myself, (no more hoop jumping for this girl!) to me it confirms that God is THE scientist, and how beautifully complex we are. And how, we need not be afraid of anyone scrutinizing or challenging our faith...in the end, the truth will become plain, if not simple.
But again, I have not read or listened yet to anything other than a Vimeo blurb, so the jury will be out until I examine with Holy Spirit, what she says. I will be reading and commenting on the book through my eyes alone....if anyone wants to join me, it would certainly help give me added perspective possibly, and if nothing else, we may have some really encouraging conversation.
At 57, I find myself finally, at peace, secure in my intimacy with God, simply receiving love, vs trying to reach for it or him. This came through hearing his voice amidst the clamor that has become western Christianity, and "choosing" to step off the cliff into His love. Yes...there is sin...there is all manor of evil in the world...this is not "greasy grace" ( for the record...that probably doesn't mean what you think it means if you have been taught you must straighten up and fly right for God to love you)...it's the starting point God chose. Because of the Cross, we get to be free to go back to love's garden and without fear, just be. He never left us...our guilt and shame caused us to run from him. That is where I lived in my 30 years of trying to follow Jesus...trying to get closer even as I am running away!!! But he sees our hearts! And he is patient! Hoo boy!!!...Is he patient!!!
Wanna come play in my garden with me? If it gets boring, we will just move on. YES!!! WE CAN DO THAT TOO!!!!
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