I've haven't felt stress in my body like this since Brad went into rehab. I'm not sure what it is....if it's the packing, the release of sentimental possessions I never thought I'd get rid of, the weekly ups and downs of the buyers problems with paperwork, that keep us from closing, Brad being gone and not having the support I need in all this, what? I've closed down my business...cried rivers over my clients, some whom have become real friends over the years. Lost all security in jobs, paychecks, invested it in the One I can not see, but have faith in. It's all such a new place to be standing in. It's one thing to say we have faith, it's another to step into that reality without the safety net of paychecks, 401k's, and home. I really started to choke on it all this week. A kind of "WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!!??", moment. Couldn't sleep....adrenaline coursing through my body day and night. Anxiety. The friends with the cash offer is not going to happen, so I'm back to waiting on the buyers to finish, which will now take another 30 days. I'm just going to have to put my money where my mouth is, and have faith, keep packing and move to KC whether it closes or not, and trust that God has it in control. It's out of my control which tells me it's God's problem, not mine. The Lord gave a women at church a word for me this morning. I went to the alter to pray, and she came to meet me saying she was waiting for me to come forward, God had already given it to her. She didn't know what was going on with my life, but the word from the Lord was "Trust me. You have given me everything, now trust me." She saw an image of me cleaning out my closets. She laughed and said I'm probably doing that in the natural, but it had more spiritual meaning, than than that.
I thought of that...and it's true. God is opening the dusty doors of my heart, places I've refused to go, things I've refused to give, and cleaning house. It's painful yet refreshing at the same time. You know how it feels to have a home spring cleaned, purging out the old dusty stuff. Except right now I'm covered in cobwebs, dirt, and still in process, so am not quite to the exhilaration yet, but can see it coming.
I had prayed on the way to church, and told the Lord I needed a word from Him today. Then I thought, why do I need that? It's more faithlessness....He has already spoken, I'm just not leaning on it. So I amended my prayer saying, but if You don't give me a word, I am making a decision to trust. I don't feel it. I don't feel the rest in my spirit that trusts produces, it's just not there, but I choose to trust.
And He met me at the altar with that sweet word and encouragement. I still don't "feel" it. But it's ok. I know that too will change, maybe tomorrow, maybe a week or month from now. I'm just going to try and put my hands up and ride the coaster. And try not to hurl.
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