Feral Faithful

I was talking to a friend who told me a previous church associate we had been in leadership with had defined those of us who had left and were "deconstructing" ( a term I don't usually use because it has become yet another organized church in some cases ) she defined deconstructors, as people who had rejected Christ, rejected christianity, and were lost. I beg to differ. Especially since I am living this and she didn't bother to ask, but defined it in her imagination, or was repeating what she had been taught more likely. There are some people, when injured by their institution and the relationships in it, who lose their faith. I tend to see them as those who had put their trust in the people, rather than Jesus. And when they fail, or at worst, abuse, its justifiably devastating. But rather than see God had nothing to do with it, is apart from it, and is not approving it, they throw it all out as fake. The trust was in humans, not God. Which should make christians sit up and take notice and wonder why they can't love, but usually just makes them judge the the wounded one harder and declare them "lost." I call myself feral. Partly as a joke, and partly because it has a definition I can live with. Jesus found me out in the wild. I did not know his love and then He loved me and drew me into this amazing relationship teaching me to trust him. Then came the attendance to an institution in His name. Which is great kindergarten. You can learn a lot in a church if they are teaching you to trust and follow him, and not build their ministry. You can find support, fellowship, and help in times of trouble. Or you can find, in the wrong place, legalism, performance, and conformity, which can get you off into the weeds of psuedo christianity. Feral is an animal no longer in captivity after being domesticated. That seemed to fit. I am no longer wild. Ive been changed. But I have escaped captivity to religion and am living by invitation in a different state than Christian domestication. Because christianity, when misguided, can be all things religious. Instead of beinging freedom it will bring slavery, to principals, ministries, human leaders. At its best, it teaches to follow Jesus, the Holy Spirit, a good Father, and a JUST love. Meaning, it will make you a JUST human. Look up the word just, and flesh that out a little. That word is substituted in the bible for righteousness. And that word does not convey the fullness of what God was having written by the authors. It is a poor interpretation for the word just. So I haven't lost my faith. I am not lost. I found a pearl. And I lost everything to get it. I lost fellowship, my safety net, the approval of my institution. I lost support, and the understanding of brothers and sisters who are afraid to question what they believe. Its ok to do that. God does not get mad, many human leaders will. If your following and listening to Jesus, he will not lead you into the weeds, he will lead you out. My relationship and my trust in him deepened, it did not diminish. It was hard, and it was lonely for a good while. It was confusing. Because I had to untangle from a lot of bad theology, and religious training that did not serve me or those I needed to love. There is a "church" out here in the wild. It is beautiful, and I believe it to be the Bride I wanted to see before I die, prayed to see before I die. I don't hate institutional Christianity. I believe in many many cases it is sick. I had what I call a vision, for lack of a better non religious term, years ago. I was in church during worship, and it was like a window opened. I saw what can be described as a battlefield hospital, reminiscent of the scene in Gone with the Wind, where the camera slowly pans out and you see more and more walking wounded and dying people, until thats all you see in the field of vision. Thousands upon thousands of dead and dying. At the time, I thought it was the world, outside christianity, and the church was not ready for what was coming to us. And that may still be true in one sense. They want people to come in and conform, clean up, serve the mininsty. They aren't ready for severly broken and wounded people. But I actually believe now, I was seeing the church itself. I mean those who follow Jesus. Those who believe. We are the church, not a building. Not an org. I call those institutions. Humans, are the church. The church is not healthy. We are putrid with wounds, crippled. Not ALL institutions. Not ALL believers. But much of western Christianity is ill. Bent. In the weeds. Enter the narrow gate. Its better to squeeze through that naked, with nothing, losing it all, than keeping what you cant keep anyway. Position, power, salary's, approval and esteem of man. If your in a good institution, thats teaching "just" love, to follow Jesus, not man or ministry. Thats teaching you to follow Holy Spirit, not perform, teaching you to NOT NEED THEM to have a relationship with Jesus, be grateful. These words aren't for you. But at least ask Him if thats true. We don't know what we don't know, till He opens our eyes. And if not, don't be afraid to become the feral faithful.